DESPERATE CAMERON WOOS SCOTLAND WITH PROMISE OF FREE HAGGIS AND HEROIN AND KILTS AND WHATEVER
(LONDON, UK)- Standing next to a life-sized cardboard Braveheart and donning a ginger-haired Jimmy Hat, British Prime Minister David Cameron made an impassioned plea to the voters of Scotland offering them “free haggis and heroin and kilts or whatever” if they would only vote to remain part of the United Kingdom.
As a CD of bagpipes blared in the background, Cameron continued to display his Scottish street cred saying; “There’s nothing I love more after a hard day’s work in the House of Commons than to return to 10 Downing Street and kick back with a glass of IRN BRU and listen to a Billy Connolly record. I really mean that. I’m not just saying that because I desperately need your nation to remain in the UK.”
“It may seem like, for the last 3 centuries or so, Westminster has been ignoring you and taking you for granted whenever a war comes along or when resources are discovered up there. But that’s not the case, my cherished Jock brothers. So just vote ‘No’ to independence and in turn we promise you as many deep-fried Mars bars as you like!”
He then brought out special guest rocker Rod Stewart and the two crooned Auld Layn Syne and Stewart’s hit song Rhythm of My Heart.
“Read my lips: England loves Scotch people. Aye, Och.”
Watch Dylan Rhymer’s Stand Up Comedy Here!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jyeR-sTHfw
FIRST NATIONS SLAM PERMANENT FOREIGN WORKER PROGRAM
(OTTAWA)- In the wake of backlash over the Temporary Foreign Workers Program, Aboriginal workers are criticizing the Permanent Foreign Workers Program, otherwise known as Canada. There are presently more than 31 Million Permanent Foreign Workers living, working and breeding in Canada.
COPENHAGEN ZOO KILLS JANITOR, FEEDS TO LIONS
(COPENHAGEN)- The Copenhagen Zoo has killed a sixty-two-year-old Janitor named Marvin and fed his remains to lions as visitors watched.
Following his last day on the job as the zoo’s chief custodian, having worked there for 37 years, Marvin was offered a drugged piece of cake and card signed by zoo staff, some of whom would be euthanizing and eviscerating him less than an hour later. Marvin was later put down using a stunning bolt through the brain, skinned, disembowelled and fed to ravenous lions in front of spectators.
PEOPLE NOT DYING OF PAINFUL TUMORS UPHOLD LAW FORCING PEOPLE DYING OF PAINFUL TUMORS TO DIE OF PAINFUL TUMORS
(VANCOUVER) Supporters of having other people die of painful tumors breathed a sigh of relief when the BC Court of Appeals upheld a ban on not dying of painful tumors.
“This is exciting news for anyone not presently dying of a painful tumor” said Gord Skuggs of the anti assisted-suicide group YES WE CANCER “Allowing people dying of painful tumors to die of something other than a painful tumor is a slippery slope to avoiding all kinds of slow, painful deaths. Not in my Canada!”
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE EAST VAN TAGGER CALLING HIMSELF “ANOY”
Alright listen up, you little shit. EVERYBODY THINKS YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER.
It’s been a few months now since your pathetic “Anoy” tags first began popping up on walls and bus stops. At first we all found your little after-hours project a little bit notable if not irritating. But that was the point, wasn’t it? You call yourself “Anoy” and you annoy people?! Brilliant! Holy shit! It’s so ironic! But you have overstayed your welcome. Now you’re ruining shop fronts, playgrounds and parks. Frankly, that makes you a huge douchebag.
You’re not counter-culture. Not an artist. Not a satirist. You’re just an insecure asshole with too much time on your hands. You didn’t even think up the name “Anoy”. You stole it from a far better graffiti artist from the States. That just makes you an even bigger loser. He paints, you spray paint. There is a difference.
SOTW FILM REVIEW: THE WORLD’S END
Directed by Edgar Wright
Starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike, Martin Freeman
Edgar Wright’s new film The World’s End is the third of his “Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy”, following his other two films with co-conspirators Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Unlike the other two in the canon, it is not a genre parody but a stand alone science fiction comedy, and an excellent one at that. The World’s End works as an homage to the other two, blending the theme of emotional arrested development from Shaun of the Dead with that of the dangers of conformity lying under the surface of modern society from Hot Fuzz. It’s a surprisingly serious film and could very well be the best of the three. It will obviously be compared to Shaun and Fuzz, but it deserves to be judged on its own merits.
CIA SPIES ON YELP, URBANSPOON USERS TO BUILD DATABASE OF FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
(WASHINGTON, DC) – Hot on the heels of the NSA spying scandal, Wikileaks revealed a top-secret Government spying program tracking Yelp and Urbanspoon comments, collecting data for a secret governement database tracking 1st World Problems. The initiative called the Database Overseeing Unaccountable Customer Hardship Extranet, or DOUCHE, has so far gleaned over fifteen billion separate pieces of information on and amassed them in a massive “First World Problem” database.
AS CALGARY REBUILDS, THE REST OF CANADA RETURNS TO THINKING IT’S BETTER THAN ALBERTA
(CANADA)- Alberta’s response to the disastrous flood was a testament to Albertan strength, community and get-up-and-go. Canadians from coast-to-coast rallied to aid the troubled province. Now, weeks later, as Albertans return to their homes, non-Albertan Canadians are slowly and cautiously returning to their usual fallback positions of irrationally disliking Alberta when they haven’t even been there.
GEORGE ZIMMERMAN DEVASTATED OVER DEATH OF GLEE STAR CORY MONTEITH
(FLORIDA) - Friends and family of George Zimmerman report that he has fallen into a deep depression since learning of the the death of Glee star Cory Monteith in Vancouver on Saturday. Zimmerman also made headline news the same weekend following his astounding not guilty verdict for the shooting death of 17 year old Trayvon Martin.
“I can’t tell you how hard George is taking Cory Monteith’s death.” said Zimmerman’s brother. ”I’ve never seen him like this. He loves Glee. I really hope he doesn’t do anything stupid, like go shoot someone from Vancouver.”
George Zimmerman is reported to have gone directly into his bedroom upon hearing the news of the actor’s death and is refusing to come out for any reason, including meals or toilet breaks.
“He was in such a good mood after dodging that murder rap for that black kid.” said Zimmerman’s attorney. “This really took the wind out of his sails. It’s a real tragedy.”
Said Zimmerman’s mother: “I just hope and pray that in the face of his depression, George can stand his ground.”
Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB