FIRST NATIONS SLAM PERMANENT FOREIGN WORKER PROGRAM

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(OTTAWA)- In the wake of backlash over the Temporary Foreign Workers Program, Aboriginal workers are criticizing the Permanent Foreign Workers Program, otherwise known as Canada. There are presently more than 31 Million Permanent Foreign Workers living, working and breeding in Canada. 

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Shawn Atleo, National Chief of the Assembly of First Nations; “The  Permanent Foreign Workers Program has been in effect since the first person not from here stepped off the boat. Since then, this program’s been creating unfair advantages in the marketplace for any workers whose ancestors aren’t from anywhere other than Canada.”

Employment Minister Jason Kenny sympathized with Aboriginal workers, but came short of shutting down the program saying; “Shutting down the PFWP program would result in having to give back all the land and resources and stuff.”

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Industries that rely on the Permanent Foreign Workers Program include oil pipeline development, golf course building, being a cowboy, riot police and the entire Canadian Government. “Every Prime Minister has been hired as a result of Canada’s Permanent Foreign workers program.” said Atleo.

The only industries to remain unaffected by the PFWP include sports team mascots, roadside windshield cleaning and small acting roles in Canadian Heritage Moments. 

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Check out  Dylan Rhymer’s stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

COPENHAGEN ZOO KILLS JANITOR, FEEDS TO LIONS

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(COPENHAGEN)- The Copenhagen Zoo has killed a sixty-two-year-old Janitor named Marvin and fed his remains to lions as visitors watched.

Following his last day on the job as the zoo’s chief custodian, having worked there for 37 years, Marvin was offered a drugged piece of cake and card signed by zoo staff, some of whom would be euthanizing and eviscerating him less than an hour later. Marvin was later put down using a stunning bolt through the brain, skinned, disembowelled and fed to ravenous lions in front of spectators.

The zoo’s spokesman Gergen Gergleblerm defended the action regarding it as an important display of scientific knowledge about the innards of blue-collar workers.

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"I’m actually proud because I think we have given children an understanding of the anatomy of a sexegenarian janitor that they wouldn’t have had in a photo or on a rerun of King of Queens. As the lions tore into Marvin’s flesh you could see the wonder in their eyes.” 

He said the feeding was so popular they look forward to euthanizing and feeding more of the zoo’s faculty including the remaider of the custodial staff and that mouthy teenager who works the concession stand.  

"Marvin didn’t have any living family or a wife. In the wild he would have wasted his last years just watching tv or playing bingo. By drugging him, slaughtering him and feeding his cadaver to hungry lions we gave his life meaning while entertaining healthy your people. It’s all part of the circle of life." 

Check out  Dylan Rhymer’s stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

50 SHADES OF JFK

This week saw the 50th anniversary of JFK’s assassination. State of the Week’s own alcoholic, bigoted right-wing historian Weston Biggerstaff remembers that dreadful day, and brings you a conspiracy theory that will will blow your brains out your ass and then back into your eye holes (you’d better wash your hands before you eat)!!!! Wake up sheeple! 

www.redintoothandclaw.com

Check out  Dylan Rhymer’s stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

PEOPLE NOT DYING OF PAINFUL TUMORS UPHOLD LAW FORCING PEOPLE DYING OF PAINFUL TUMORS TO DIE OF PAINFUL TUMORS

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(VANCOUVER) Supporters of having other people die of painful tumors breathed a sigh of relief when the BC Court of Appeals upheld a ban on not dying of painful tumors.

“This is exciting news for anyone not presently dying of a painful tumor” said Gord Skuggs of the anti assisted-suicide group YES WE CANCER “Allowing people dying of painful tumors to die of something other than a painful tumor is a slippery slope to avoiding all kinds of slow, painful deaths. Not in my Canada!”

Opponents of dying of painful tumors argued that dying of a painful tumor is painful, and that physician assisted suicide wouldn’t be as painful a way to die. Their arguments were dismissed by the Court as “entirely logical”.

Pro-Tumor protesters stood outside the BC Court of Appeals chanting slogans like; “IT’S NOT A RUMOR! I LOVE A TUMOR!” and “GIVE ME A DEATH BY TUMOR OR GIVE ME DEATH!” 

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Tumor –fan Ellen Lee commented; “A painful tumor is a life growing inside of you… that eventually kills you. All life is precious, from the moment of conception right up until dying of a painful tumor.”

Added Skuggs; “Who was it who said that pain lets you know that you’re really alive? Well in that case these people are super-alive, right up until they die of a painful tumor.”

Check out  Dylan Rhymer’s stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE EAST VAN TAGGER CALLING HIMSELF “ANOY”


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Alright listen up, you little shit. EVERYBODY THINKS YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER.

 It’s been a few months now since your pathetic “Anoy” tags first began popping up on walls and bus stops. At first we all found your little after-hours project a little bit notable if not irritating. But that was the point, wasn’t it? You call yourself “Anoy” and you annoy people?! Brilliant! Holy shit! It’s so ironic! But you have overstayed your welcome. Now you’re ruining shop fronts, playgrounds and parks. Frankly, that makes you a huge douchebag.

You’re not counter-culture. Not an artist. Not a satirist. You’re just an insecure asshole with too much time on your hands. You didn’t even think up the name “Anoy”. You stole it from a far better graffiti artist from the States. That just makes you an even bigger loser. He paints, you spray paint. There is a difference. 

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SOTW FILM REVIEW: THE WORLD’S END

Directed by Edgar Wright

Starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike, Martin Freeman

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Edgar Wright’s new film The World’s End is the third of his “Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy”, following his other two films with co-conspirators Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Unlike the other two in the canon, it is not a genre parody but a stand alone science fiction comedy, and an excellent one at that. The World’s End works as an homage to the other two, blending the theme of emotional arrested development from Shaun of the Dead with that of the dangers of conformity lying under the surface of modern society from Hot Fuzz. It’s a surprisingly serious film and could very well be the best of the three. It will obviously be compared to Shaun and Fuzz, but it deserves to be judged on its own merits.

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CIA SPIES ON YELP, URBANSPOON USERS TO BUILD DATABASE OF FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

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(WASHINGTON, DC) – Hot on the heels of the NSA spying scandal, Wikileaks revealed a top-secret Government spying program tracking Yelp and Urbanspoon comments, collecting data for a secret governement database tracking 1st World Problems. The initiative called the Database Overseeing Unaccountable Customer Hardship Extranet, or DOUCHE, has so far gleaned over fifteen billion separate pieces of information on and amassed them in a massive “First World Problem” database.

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AS CALGARY REBUILDS, THE REST OF CANADA RETURNS TO THINKING IT’S BETTER THAN ALBERTA

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(CANADA)- Alberta’s response to the disastrous flood was a testament to Albertan strength, community and get-up-and-go. Canadians from coast-to-coast rallied to aid the troubled province. Now, weeks later, as Albertans return to their homes, non-Albertan Canadians are slowly and cautiously returning to their usual fallback positions of irrationally disliking Alberta when they haven’t even been there.

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GEORGE ZIMMERMAN DEVASTATED OVER DEATH OF GLEE STAR CORY MONTEITH

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(FLORIDA) - Friends and family of George Zimmerman report that he has fallen into a deep depression since learning of the the death of Glee star Cory Monteith in Vancouver on Saturday. Zimmerman also made headline news the same weekend following his astounding not guilty verdict for the shooting death of 17 year old Trayvon Martin.

“I can’t tell you how hard George is taking Cory Monteith’s death.” said Zimmerman’s brother. ”I’ve never seen him like this. He loves Glee. I really hope he doesn’t do anything stupid, like go shoot someone from Vancouver.”

George Zimmerman is reported to have gone directly into his bedroom upon hearing the news of the actor’s death and is refusing to come out for any reason, including meals or toilet breaks.

“He was in such a good mood after dodging that murder rap for that black kid.” said Zimmerman’s attorney.  “This really took the wind out of his sails. It’s a real tragedy.”

 Said Zimmerman’s mother: “I just hope and pray that in the face of his depression, George can stand his ground.”

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

JESUS TRAMPLED AFTER CRUCIFIXION RE-ENACTMENT SCHEDULED ON SAME WEEKEND AS THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS

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(PAMPLONA)- An actor portraying Jesus of Nazareth was rushed to hospital after being trampled by a dozen stampeding bulls when a scheduling error placed the annual Easter crucifixion re-enactment on the same weekend as the Running of the Bulls. 

During a re-creation of Christ’s march to the cruxifiction site, Jesus, Roman Centurions and devotees were taken unawares as bulls, some weighing as much as 2400 lbs, stampeded around the corner and began goring worshipers left, right, and centre. 

“Everybody scattered. The Pharisees climbed to higher ground and got away. But poor Jesus was completely abandoned by his own Apostles. Even Mary Magdelene shouted ‘You’re on your own!’ and bolted.” said an eyewitness. 

Jesus tried desperately to undo his hands from his heavy wooden crucifix. He was last heard shouting “Hey guys! Why have you forsaken me?!” before being stomped into the sidewalk.

He was later taken to hospital in the back of a pick-up truck, as his enormous crucifix made it impossible for him to fit in the back of an ambulance.

Said an actor portraying Pontius Pilate; “He didn’t even make it to Skull Hill to be crucified. That’s the real tragedy.” 

City event planners are calling it an act of God and washing their hands of the whole thing.

Check out  Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB