PEOPLE NOT DYING OF PAINFUL TUMORS UPHOLD LAW FORCING PEOPLE DYING OF PAINFUL TUMORS TO DIE OF PAINFUL TUMORS
(VANCOUVER) Supporters of having other people die of painful tumors breathed a sigh of relief when the BC Court of Appeals upheld a ban on not dying of painful tumors.
“This is exciting news for anyone not presently dying of a painful tumor” said Gord Skuggs of the anti assisted-suicide group YES WE CANCER “Allowing people dying of painful tumors to die of something other than a painful tumor is a slippery slope to avoiding all kinds of slow, painful deaths. Not in my Canada!”
Opponents of dying of painful tumors argued that dying of a painful tumor is painful, and that physician assisted suicide wouldn’t be as painful a way to die. Their arguments were dismissed by the Court as “entirely logical”.
Pro-Tumor protesters stood outside the BC Court of Appeals chanting slogans like; “IT’S NOT A RUMOR! I LOVE A TUMOR!” and “GIVE ME A DEATH BY TUMOR OR GIVE ME DEATH!”
Tumor –fan Ellen Lee commented; “A painful tumor is a life growing inside of you… that eventually kills you. All life is precious, from the moment of conception right up until dying of a painful tumor.”
Added Skuggs; “Who was it who said that pain lets you know that you’re really alive? Well in that case these people are super-alive, right up until they die of a painful tumor.”
Check out Dylan Rhymer’s stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE EAST VAN TAGGER CALLING HIMSELF “ANOY”
Alright listen up, you little shit. EVERYBODY THINKS YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER.
It’s been a few months now since your pathetic “Anoy” tags first began popping up on walls and bus stops. At first we all found your little after-hours project a little bit notable if not irritating. But that was the point, wasn’t it? You call yourself “Anoy” and you annoy people?! Brilliant! Holy shit! It’s so ironic! But you have overstayed your welcome. Now you’re ruining shop fronts, playgrounds and parks. Frankly, that makes you a huge douchebag.
You’re not counter-culture. Not an artist. Not a satirist. You’re just an insecure asshole with too much time on your hands. You didn’t even think up the name “Anoy”. You stole it from a far better graffiti artist from the States. That just makes you an even bigger loser. He paints, you spray paint. There is a difference.
SOTW FILM REVIEW: THE WORLD’S END
Directed by Edgar Wright
Starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike, Martin Freeman
Edgar Wright’s new film The World’s End is the third of his “Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy”, following his other two films with co-conspirators Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Unlike the other two in the canon, it is not a genre parody but a stand alone science fiction comedy, and an excellent one at that. The World’s End works as an homage to the other two, blending the theme of emotional arrested development from Shaun of the Dead with that of the dangers of conformity lying under the surface of modern society from Hot Fuzz. It’s a surprisingly serious film and could very well be the best of the three. It will obviously be compared to Shaun and Fuzz, but it deserves to be judged on its own merits.
CIA SPIES ON YELP, URBANSPOON USERS TO BUILD DATABASE OF FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
(WASHINGTON, DC) – Hot on the heels of the NSA spying scandal, Wikileaks revealed a top-secret Government spying program tracking Yelp and Urbanspoon comments, collecting data for a secret governement database tracking 1st World Problems. The initiative called the Database Overseeing Unaccountable Customer Hardship Extranet, or DOUCHE, has so far gleaned over fifteen billion separate pieces of information on and amassed them in a massive “First World Problem” database.
AS CALGARY REBUILDS, THE REST OF CANADA RETURNS TO THINKING IT’S BETTER THAN ALBERTA
(CANADA)- Alberta’s response to the disastrous flood was a testament to Albertan strength, community and get-up-and-go. Canadians from coast-to-coast rallied to aid the troubled province. Now, weeks later, as Albertans return to their homes, non-Albertan Canadians are slowly and cautiously returning to their usual fallback positions of irrationally disliking Alberta when they haven’t even been there.
GEORGE ZIMMERMAN DEVASTATED OVER DEATH OF GLEE STAR CORY MONTEITH
(FLORIDA) - Friends and family of George Zimmerman report that he has fallen into a deep depression since learning of the the death of Glee star Cory Monteith in Vancouver on Saturday. Zimmerman also made headline news the same weekend following his astounding not guilty verdict for the shooting death of 17 year old Trayvon Martin.
“I can’t tell you how hard George is taking Cory Monteith’s death.” said Zimmerman’s brother. ”I’ve never seen him like this. He loves Glee. I really hope he doesn’t do anything stupid, like go shoot someone from Vancouver.”
George Zimmerman is reported to have gone directly into his bedroom upon hearing the news of the actor’s death and is refusing to come out for any reason, including meals or toilet breaks.
“He was in such a good mood after dodging that murder rap for that black kid.” said Zimmerman’s attorney. “This really took the wind out of his sails. It’s a real tragedy.”
Said Zimmerman’s mother: “I just hope and pray that in the face of his depression, George can stand his ground.”
Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB
JESUS TRAMPLED AFTER CRUCIFIXION RE-ENACTMENT SCHEDULED ON SAME WEEKEND AS THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS
(PAMPLONA)- An actor portraying Jesus of Nazareth was rushed to hospital after being trampled by a dozen stampeding bulls when a scheduling error placed the annual Easter crucifixion re-enactment on the same weekend as the Running of the Bulls.
During a re-creation of Christ’s march to the cruxifiction site, Jesus, Roman Centurions and devotees were taken unawares as bulls, some weighing as much as 2400 lbs, stampeded around the corner and began goring worshipers left, right, and centre.
“Everybody scattered. The Pharisees climbed to higher ground and got away. But poor Jesus was completely abandoned by his own Apostles. Even Mary Magdelene shouted ‘You’re on your own!’ and bolted.” said an eyewitness.
Jesus tried desperately to undo his hands from his heavy wooden crucifix. He was last heard shouting “Hey guys! Why have you forsaken me?!” before being stomped into the sidewalk.
He was later taken to hospital in the back of a pick-up truck, as his enormous crucifix made it impossible for him to fit in the back of an ambulance.
Said an actor portraying Pontius Pilate; “He didn’t even make it to Skull Hill to be crucified. That’s the real tragedy.”
City event planners are calling it an act of God and washing their hands of the whole thing.
Check out Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB
INVENTION OF SENTIENT, SELF-AWARE GUN THAT LOVES KILLING PEOPLE FORCES N.R.A. TO CHANGE THEIR SLOGAN
The invention of a self-aware, robotic assault rifle that knowingly and enthusiastically kills people has forced the National Rifle Association to change their long-cherished and oft-repeated belief that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”
Said Wayne LaPierre, the NRA’s chief spokesman today; “The invention of this walking-thinking-killing gun on robot legs has forced us to reconsider our position. It seems some guns do kill people. We’re looking at some new slogans like ‘guns don’t kill people, people and guns that kill people kill people’, or maybe ‘most guns don’t kill people except those self-aware guns that exist only to kill people kill people.’ We’re throwing it around the room.
"But one thing that is certain is that the only thing that stops an evil self-aware gun imbued with Artificial Intelligence that kills people is a good self-aware gun that doesn’t kill any people. So hopefully the evil scientists make some of those, too. Fingers crossed.”
Added LaPierre; “They can take my self-aware robot gun that murdered me when it pries itself from my cold dead hand.”
Check out Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB
ANTI-GENTRIFICATION VANDALISM RESULTS IN MORE GENTRIFICATION
(VANCOUVER) - An activist group calling themselves The Anti-Gentrification Front are frustrated to learn that their bouts of vandalism have only resulted in more gentrification.
Several East Vancouver businesses have been repeated targets of acts of vandalism by the group claiming to act on behalf of lower-income citizens. An AGF blog post reads; “Yuppies have been going about their gourmet dinners, buying up their lucky condos and flaunting their wealth by driving expensive cars. So last night, for the third time, Famoso Neapolitan Pizzeria was attacked.”
Ironically, the acts of violence have actually boosted business by lending an air of street-cred to a neighbourhood many had written-off as having grown dull and overpriced.