Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

(PAMPLONA)- An actor portraying Jesus of Nazareth was rushed to hospital after being trampled by a dozen stampeding bulls when a scheduling error placed the annual Easter crucifixion re-enactment on the same weekend as the Running of the Bulls. 

During a re-creation of Christ’s march to the cruxifiction site, Jesus, Roman Centurions and devotees were taken unawares as bulls, some weighing as much as 2400 lbs, stampeded around the corner and began goring worshipers left, right, and centre. 

“Everybody scattered. The Pharisees climbed to higher ground and got away. But poor Jesus was completely abandoned by his own Apostles. Even Mary Magdelene shouted ‘You’re on your own!’ and bolted.” said an eyewitness. 

Jesus tried desperately to undo his hands from his heavy wooden crucifix. He was last heard shouting “Hey guys! Why have you forsaken me?!” before being stomped into the sidewalk.

He was later taken to hospital in the back of a pick-up truck, as his enormous crucifix made it impossible for him to fit in the back of an ambulance.

Said an actor portraying Pontius Pilate; “He didn’t even make it to Skull Hill to be crucified. That’s the real tragedy.” 

City event planners are calling it an act of God and washing their hands of the whole thing.

Check out  Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

The invention of a self-aware, robotic assault rifle that knowingly and enthusiastically kills people has forced the National Rifle Association to change their long-cherished and oft-repeated belief that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” 

Said Wayne LaPierre, the NRA’s chief spokesman today; “The invention of this walking-thinking-killing gun on robot legs has forced us to reconsider our position. It seems some guns do kill people. We’re looking at some new slogans like ‘guns don’t kill people, people and guns that kill people kill people’, or maybe ‘most guns don’t kill people except those self-aware guns that exist only to kill people kill people.’ We’re throwing it around the room.

“But one thing that is certain is that the only thing that stops an evil self-aware gun imbued with Artificial Intelligence that kills people is a good self-aware gun that doesn’t kill any people. So hopefully the evil scientists make some of those, too.  Fingers crossed.”  

Added LaPierre; “They can take my self-aware robot gun that murdered me when it pries itself from my cold dead hand.”  

Check out  Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

(VANCOUVER) - An activist group calling themselves The Anti-Gentrification Front are frustrated to learn that their bouts of vandalism have only resulted in more gentrification.

Several East Vancouver businesses have been repeated targets of acts of vandalism by the group claiming to act on behalf of lower-income citizens. An AGF blog post reads; “Yuppies have been going about their gourmet dinners, buying up their lucky condos and flaunting their wealth by driving expensive cars. So last night, for the third time, Famoso Neapolitan Pizzeria was attacked.”

Ironically, the acts of violence have actually boosted business by lending an air of street-cred to a neighbourhood many had written-off as having grown dull and overpriced.

Read More

(OTTAWA) - It’s the time of year when everything Irish is in the spotlight. The Conservatives have shown their appreciation for Ireland by making abortion illegal in Canada for all of St Patrick’s Day. Prime Minister Stephen Harper made the announcement from an Irish-themed pub following Saturday’s St Patrick’s day Parade in Ottawa. 

“From shamrock shakes to Riverdance and Colin Farrell, the Irish have made a distinct contribution to Canada and the world. Canada will show our appreciation for these proud people by making abortion illegal across Canada in accordance with the Holy Catholic Church, just like in Ireland. Now who’s up for a green beer?”  

Until Midnight tomorrow all Canadian women’s health clinics will have their doors chained up by iron shamrocks and any scheduled abortions will be canceled. Anybody providing an abortion will be placed in police custody and face anywhere from 5 years in prison to a life sentence, in keeping with Irish law.

Any women seeking abortions will have to travel out of country to do so. 

Pro-Life MP Stephen Woodward applauds the decision. “ I just wish it could be St Patrick’s day every day, God willing I’ll try to make it so.”

Check out  Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

HOLY SHIT!!! Have you heard the latest news?! Cats kill birds and mice! Who knew? 

Anybody who’s ever watched Looney Tunes. 

Vancouver is about to push the limits of just how regulated a city can become before officially turning into Terry Gilliam’s Brazil with City Hall discussing a plan requiring cat owners to leash their cats before letting them outside. It seems cats are eating birds and our precious population of pigeons is diminishing. The fact that it’s mostly strays who are responsible for the bird killing doesn’t seem to matter. Vancouver never met a pointless regulation it didn’t embrace whole-heartedly.  

BC Nature President John Neville says “You would have to let (your cat) out either in a run, or take it out on a leash or keep it totally indoors.” 

Vancouver: city of cat-walkers. The rest of the country already regard us a metropolis of hopelessly self-absorbed yoga-zombies rollerblading to work in a smoothie factory. Just add a yuppie couple walking a grey tabby on the seawall, and I will no longer be able to credibly defend this city. 

Not to mention the fact that there is no better way to make a cat crazy than to keep it indoors. I think we all know somebody with one of “those cats”. It’s usually a hateful, hissing little beast who’s clawing at your eyeballs one minute and pervertedly rubbing up against your leg the next in a desperate, unwelcome feline lap-dance like a tiny, hairy Courtney Love with a box of shit in the corner. Gross. Cats need to go outside and explore in order to remain sane. If they kill the odd bird, that’s the way it goes.  

Even dumber is a proposed off-leash “cat park” where owners can bring their feline friends, let them off the leash and watch them immediately run as far from away from the park as possible, never to be seen again. How would they possibly contain the cats? Barbed wire? A plastic dome? Electric fence? That’s not a cat park, it’s a cat prison. 

No doubt Mayor Gregor Robertson will introduce individual traffic lanes for such a purpose. Cat-walking lanes, next to our Bicycle Lanes to further enrage the driving hoards already frustrated that every square inch of Vancouver is not accessible by SUV. 

Vancouverites live in a bubble of delusion that our city is somehow good for nature. Should you recycle? Yes. Ride a bike to work? Absolutely. Compost? Good idea. But  let’s not create an army of bat-shit insane cats just so we can continue deluding ourselves that our city is eco-friendly and that our condos are actually good for Mother Nature. Sorry, birds. 

Wanna see more? Check out  Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

Ottawa has deployed 350 passive-aggressive troops to Mali to support French forces as they battle al-Qaeda extremists. 

Said Defense Minister Peter MacKay in a press conference earlier today “Canada continues to do its part to combat terrorism in the best way Canadians know how: through guilt trips and petty backhanded compliments against Al-Qaeda forces.” 

Effective immediately the Canada’s Navy has deployed three Iroquois-Class Destroyers the HMCS Don’t Take This The Wrong Way, But…   the HMCS Look, All I’m Saying Is and the HMCS Don’t Get So Defensive bringing Canadian troops to the region to support French forces who have been steadily advancing on Al-Queda. 

Canadian soldiers trained in passive-aggressive warfare techniques including; hostility masquerading as jokes, faux helplessness, eye-rolling and sarcasm will reach Mali by week’s end.  

Passive-Aggressive military action began this morning with a Canadian C-17 Sulkmaster littering Timbuktu and surrounding areas with bitchy post-it notes reading;

“Hey, if you feel like it, how about vacuuming a little and tidying up as you retreat?”

“ancient sacred documents are our ancient documents!!! NOT YOURS!!! If you want to burn documents, burn your own documents!!! PLEASE stop burning other people’s sacred documents!!!

“I don’t know if you forgot, but you ate the last box of Kraft Dinner and didn’t replace it. Just sayin’.”

Added Peter MacKay; “Al Queda is a cancer, and will spread if not cut out…you know, take that any way you want. Whatever. Just forget I said anything. No, nothing’s wrong.”

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

A fire engulfed a garment factory in Bangladesh, killing at least 112 people in the building without emergency exits and Walmart is passing the savings onto you, said Walmart spokesman Colon Brinkus. 

“Our everyday low prices were a result of inhuman factory conditions overseen by corrupt, easily-purchased puppet regimes. But now that the Tazreen Textile Factory is closed for business, we have thousands of name brand garments are available at even lower prices! We have slightly smoky-smelling or lightly singed garments for sale at even lower prices. Just in time for the holidays.”

“Look at this!” said Brinkus from the aisle of an area Walmart “These are name brand khakis with minimal blood splatter only $8.99! Nothing a big shrug and a little bleach won’t take care of. Baby clothes with footprints on them? $1.99! Women’s bras that were tied together to fashion a crude rope in a failed attempt to lower themselves off the roof of the burning factory? $2.99 each or $20.00 for the whole string! That’s just another example of Walmart’s ceaseless and morally ambiguous commitment to the consumer.”

Brinkus added; “You’ll be stampeding into Walmart the same way those workers trampled each other trying to escape the blaze! In fact, if you find a lower advertised price due to a Third World textile death inferno, we’ll match it at the register. That’s the Walmart lower price guarantee!”  

” Raising prices on our loyal customers? That would be the real tragedy.”

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

(GALWAY) - Irish Catholics are deeply distraught, shocked and saddened by the tragic death of a 4-month old fetus after a woman who was denied an abortion died in hospital. They’re not yet sure whether they are also sad for the mother too.

The fetus was transported to hospital in the uterus of some woman or other who had whined about severe abdominal and lower-back pains. Catholic doctors fought valiantly for the life of the fetus even in the wake of the woman’s selfish and ghoulish pleas to abort the blessed child, which the resolute Catholic doctors scolded the woman for having even considered.

Said Bishop Ryan O’Riordan; “It’s a shame that a wee babby like tha’ died. That slapper should have taken better care if her uterus. That way she wouldn’t be burnin’ in hell right now.”

Said Father Patrick Byrne; “It’s always a great tragedy when a precious little fetus dies inside some broad. What’s even sadder is that a perfectly good uterus died that could have easily made another dozen Catholics.”

Irish Catholic politicians have called an emergency meeting of Irish Parliament to pass immediate legislation making it illegal to have a miscarriage while in Ireland under punishment of stoning.

There will be a vigil held for the fetus which will be attended by Pope Benedict XVI. The Catholic doctors have misplaced the corpse of the mother, but believe it to have been taken out with this morning’s trash.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) – Following one of the closest and most hotly contested elections in US history, President Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term over Republican challenger Mitt Romney. Following Governor Romney’s concession speech, President Obama thanked his supporters and volunteers and then immediately imposed Sharia law in keeping with his Muslim values that he had expertly been keeping a secret since before he first ran for office.

Read More

(U.S.) - Following a tremendously popular run, beloved television series Obama & Mitt draws to its tearful finale this Tuesday. The series is based on two Presidential hopefuls who, despite their differences, discover they have far more in common than they first imagined. The 20-hour finale is expected to draw well over 100 million viewers worldwide.

Read More