PUTIN’S POPULARITY SOARS AMONG RUSSIANS WHO HAVE LOADED GUNS AIMED AT THEIR HEADS
(MOSCOW) Despite a crumbling Russian economy on the edge of recession, President Vladimir Putin’s approval ratings continue to rise, especially in the key demographic of Russians between the ages of 1-100 who have loaded guns aimed at their heads when asked.
Despite rising unemployment rates, Mr Putin’s popularity continues hit new heights with a whopping 100% of those polled while watching footage of their neighbors being garroted and thrown into shallow graves responded that they thought the Russian President was doing an excellent job.
Of those polled after being dragged from their beds and showered with alternating scalding and freezing water, 100% of respondents nodded frantically when positive statements about Mr Putin where shrieked at them through a megaphone.
Putin shows 100% approval among men aged 18-34 with black bags over their heads being leaned out of helicopters and 100% in popularity among mothers whose babies are snatched from them and held menacingly out of tower block windows by jackbooted pollsters.
However, among female performance artists being held in cages, his approval rating remains a consistent 0%.
Watch Dylan Rhymer’s stand up here: http://youtu.be/4jyeR-sTHfw
Follow Dylan Rhymer on Twitter: https://twitter.com/dylanrhymer
EBOLA AND BEHEADING ANNOUNCE THEY’RE DATING, CREATING HORRIBLE NEWS POWER COUPLE
(New York) -Unspeakably hideous virus Ebola and act of religious extremist violence Beheading announced they’re dating, creating the world’s first Horrible News Power Couple. They began seeing each other while working together on the front page of every major news outlet in the world and trending on Twitter. TMZ has already dubbed them BeBola.
This is a first romance for Ebola but just one of many for Beheading who has been linked to a number of celebrities including Mary Queen of Scots, Anne Boleyn and Oliver Cromwell.
State of the Week managed a quick interview with the couple on the red carpet of the MTV Music Video Awards.
Was it love at first sight?
Beheading: “Ebola is everything I’ve been looking for in a partner. Every time I opened the paper, there she was right next to me.”
Ebola: “We have so many shared interests, like irrationally terrifying Americans and being used as tactic to stir up xenophobia among white people. Sometimes we argue over who’s the more effective distraction from domestic issues.” Laughs. “He usually wins.”
Beheading: As if! We both scare the living shit out of people, sweetie.
Does the age difference make a difference? Ebola you’re turning 29 and Beheading is well into his two thousands.
Beheading: “We’re no more nauseating than Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones.”
Ebola: “He’s more old-fashioned and I’m more new age. But in the end if we horrify the entire planet over their morning cup of coffee and keep the world in a state of general powerless unease then that’s all that really matters to us.”
Are there plans for a baby? A brainless, senseless, disease-spewing monster?
Beheading: “I won’t confirm a baby, but I will tell you we both love the name Fox”.
Follow Dylan Rhymer on Twitter: https://twitter.com/dylanrhymer
Watch Dylan’s stand up comedy special: http://youtu.be/4jyeR-sTHfw
EZRA LEVANT REMINDS ME OF A BLIMP FULL OF SHIT
I understand completely that by scribing my little column I am, in the end, giving Conservative pundit and professional hate-sprinkler Ezra Levant exactly what he so desperately needs: media attention to fill the empty void where a sense of decency should be, its vacancy creating a dark hole in his soul as vast, cold and dense as an imploding star from which nothing can escape, especially not light. Ironic, then, that the right-wing rag he works for is called Sun Media. It should be called Black Hole Media, and Ezra is the biggest hole among them.
DESPERATE CAMERON WOOS SCOTLAND WITH PROMISE OF FREE HAGGIS AND HEROIN AND KILTS AND WHATEVER
(LONDON, UK)- Standing next to a life-sized cardboard Braveheart and donning a ginger-haired Jimmy Hat, British Prime Minister David Cameron made an impassioned plea to the voters of Scotland offering them “free haggis and heroin and kilts or whatever” if they would only vote to remain part of the United Kingdom.
FIRST NATIONS SLAM PERMANENT FOREIGN WORKER PROGRAM
(OTTAWA)- In the wake of backlash over the Temporary Foreign Workers Program, Aboriginal workers are criticizing the Permanent Foreign Workers Program, otherwise known as Canada. There are presently more than 31 Million Permanent Foreign Workers living, working and breeding in Canada.
COPENHAGEN ZOO KILLS JANITOR, FEEDS TO LIONS
(COPENHAGEN)- The Copenhagen Zoo has killed a sixty-two-year-old Janitor named Marvin and fed his remains to lions as visitors watched.
Following his last day on the job as the zoo’s chief custodian, having worked there for 37 years, Marvin was offered a drugged piece of cake and card signed by zoo staff, some of whom would be euthanizing and eviscerating him less than an hour later. Marvin was later put down using a stunning bolt through the brain, skinned, disembowelled and fed to ravenous lions in front of spectators.
PEOPLE NOT DYING OF PAINFUL TUMORS UPHOLD LAW FORCING PEOPLE DYING OF PAINFUL TUMORS TO DIE OF PAINFUL TUMORS
(VANCOUVER) Supporters of having other people die of painful tumors breathed a sigh of relief when the BC Court of Appeals upheld a ban on not dying of painful tumors.
“This is exciting news for anyone not presently dying of a painful tumor” said Gord Skuggs of the anti assisted-suicide group YES WE CANCER “Allowing people dying of painful tumors to die of something other than a painful tumor is a slippery slope to avoiding all kinds of slow, painful deaths. Not in my Canada!”
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE EAST VAN TAGGER CALLING HIMSELF “ANOY”
Alright listen up, you little shit. EVERYBODY THINKS YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER.
It’s been a few months now since your pathetic “Anoy” tags first began popping up on walls and bus stops. At first we all found your little after-hours project a little bit notable if not irritating. But that was the point, wasn’t it? You call yourself “Anoy” and you annoy people?! Brilliant! Holy shit! It’s so ironic! But you have overstayed your welcome. Now you’re ruining shop fronts, playgrounds and parks. Frankly, that makes you a huge douchebag.
You’re not counter-culture. Not an artist. Not a satirist. You’re just an insecure asshole with too much time on your hands. You didn’t even think up the name “Anoy”. You stole it from a far better graffiti artist from the States. That just makes you an even bigger loser. He paints, you spray paint. There is a difference.
SOTW FILM REVIEW: THE WORLD’S END
Directed by Edgar Wright
Starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike, Martin Freeman
Edgar Wright’s new film The World’s End is the third of his “Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy”, following his other two films with co-conspirators Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Unlike the other two in the canon, it is not a genre parody but a stand alone science fiction comedy, and an excellent one at that. The World’s End works as an homage to the other two, blending the theme of emotional arrested development from Shaun of the Dead with that of the dangers of conformity lying under the surface of modern society from Hot Fuzz. It’s a surprisingly serious film and could very well be the best of the three. It will obviously be compared to Shaun and Fuzz, but it deserves to be judged on its own merits.