EZRA LEVANT REMINDS ME OF A BLIMP FULL OF SHIT
I understand completely that by scribing my little column I am, in the end, giving Conservative pundit and professional hate-sprinkler Ezra Levant exactly what he so desperately needs: media attention to fill the empty void where a sense of decency should be, its vacancy creating a dark hole in his soul as vast, cold and dense as an imploding star from which nothing can escape, especially not light. Ironic, then, that the right-wing rag he works for is called Sun Media. It should be called Black Hole Media, and Ezra is the biggest hole among them.
Justin Trudeau certainly doesn’t like Ezra Levant. Can you blame him? Levant called his mother a slut and his father a poon hound. Trudeau’s response was to boycott any association with Sun Media and for this he is being smeared in Canadian media as an oversensitive wimp. But come on guys, Sun News CALLED THE GUY’S DEAD MOTHER A WHORE! Where I grew up that gets you front row seats to a skull concerto with a symphony of blunt instruments.
Just LOOK at that slag! She’s probably smiling because she’s thinking of boners or something. And why isn’t she in the kitchen?
If Sun News doesn’t understand that it isn’t acceptable to call a man’s mother, or any woman, a slut then they don’t have the right to be called a reputable news agency. Oh wait, they’re not.
On Sun’s website, Ezra Levant smugly calls himself a tireless defender of freedom of speech on par with Edward R Murrow, as though his bigoted diatribes were the thin white line between Canada and Oceania. Whether its Ezra Levant’s right to call the Roma people “a bunch of shiftless hobos (whose) intent is to rob people blind” or Ezra Levant’s right to say that an epidemic of murdered Aboriginal women are not deserving of a official inquiry, or Ezra Levant’s right to call Margaret Trudeau a slut, you can bet Ezra Levant is sticking up for the little guy; Ezra Levant.
So it is with that same freedom of speech in mind that I express my opinion that Ezra Levant is a blimp full of shit. A zeppelin stuffed to bursting point with human diarrhea, hovering over society and dribbling his putrescence on all that is good like a rain cloud made of bile. He is literally a shit storm. It’s bird! It’s a plane! It’s Ezra Levant: the Hindenburg of feces!
Thanks to the tireless efforts Ezra Levant, I have the freedom of speech to say these things. And I’m sure Mr Levant agrees.
DESPERATE CAMERON WOOS SCOTLAND WITH PROMISE OF FREE HAGGIS AND HEROIN AND KILTS AND WHATEVER
(LONDON, UK)- Standing next to a life-sized cardboard Braveheart and donning a ginger-haired Jimmy Hat, British Prime Minister David Cameron made an impassioned plea to the voters of Scotland offering them “free haggis and heroin and kilts or whatever” if they would only vote to remain part of the United Kingdom.
As a CD of bagpipes blared in the background, Cameron continued to display his Scottish street cred saying; “There’s nothing I love more after a hard day’s work in the House of Commons than to return to 10 Downing Street and kick back with a glass of IRN BRU and listen to a Billy Connolly record. I really mean that. I’m not just saying that because I desperately need your nation to remain in the UK.”
“It may seem like, for the last 3 centuries or so, Westminster has been ignoring you and taking you for granted whenever a war comes along or when resources are discovered up there. But that’s not the case, my cherished Jock brothers. So just vote ‘No’ to independence and in turn we promise you as many deep-fried Mars bars as you like!”
He then brought out special guest rocker Rod Stewart and the two crooned Auld Layn Syne and Stewart’s hit song Rhythm of My Heart.
“Read my lips: England loves Scotch people. Aye, Och.”
Watch Dylan Rhymer’s Stand Up Comedy Here!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jyeR-sTHfw
FIRST NATIONS SLAM PERMANENT FOREIGN WORKER PROGRAM
(OTTAWA)- In the wake of backlash over the Temporary Foreign Workers Program, Aboriginal workers are criticizing the Permanent Foreign Workers Program, otherwise known as Canada. There are presently more than 31 Million Permanent Foreign Workers living, working and breeding in Canada.
COPENHAGEN ZOO KILLS JANITOR, FEEDS TO LIONS
(COPENHAGEN)- The Copenhagen Zoo has killed a sixty-two-year-old Janitor named Marvin and fed his remains to lions as visitors watched.
Following his last day on the job as the zoo’s chief custodian, having worked there for 37 years, Marvin was offered a drugged piece of cake and card signed by zoo staff, some of whom would be euthanizing and eviscerating him less than an hour later. Marvin was later put down using a stunning bolt through the brain, skinned, disembowelled and fed to ravenous lions in front of spectators.
PEOPLE NOT DYING OF PAINFUL TUMORS UPHOLD LAW FORCING PEOPLE DYING OF PAINFUL TUMORS TO DIE OF PAINFUL TUMORS
(VANCOUVER) Supporters of having other people die of painful tumors breathed a sigh of relief when the BC Court of Appeals upheld a ban on not dying of painful tumors.
“This is exciting news for anyone not presently dying of a painful tumor” said Gord Skuggs of the anti assisted-suicide group YES WE CANCER “Allowing people dying of painful tumors to die of something other than a painful tumor is a slippery slope to avoiding all kinds of slow, painful deaths. Not in my Canada!”
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE EAST VAN TAGGER CALLING HIMSELF “ANOY”
Alright listen up, you little shit. EVERYBODY THINKS YOU ARE A FUCKING LOSER.
It’s been a few months now since your pathetic “Anoy” tags first began popping up on walls and bus stops. At first we all found your little after-hours project a little bit notable if not irritating. But that was the point, wasn’t it? You call yourself “Anoy” and you annoy people?! Brilliant! Holy shit! It’s so ironic! But you have overstayed your welcome. Now you’re ruining shop fronts, playgrounds and parks. Frankly, that makes you a huge douchebag.
You’re not counter-culture. Not an artist. Not a satirist. You’re just an insecure asshole with too much time on your hands. You didn’t even think up the name “Anoy”. You stole it from a far better graffiti artist from the States. That just makes you an even bigger loser. He paints, you spray paint. There is a difference.
SOTW FILM REVIEW: THE WORLD’S END
Directed by Edgar Wright
Starring Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Rosamund Pike, Martin Freeman
Edgar Wright’s new film The World’s End is the third of his “Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy”, following his other two films with co-conspirators Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Unlike the other two in the canon, it is not a genre parody but a stand alone science fiction comedy, and an excellent one at that. The World’s End works as an homage to the other two, blending the theme of emotional arrested development from Shaun of the Dead with that of the dangers of conformity lying under the surface of modern society from Hot Fuzz. It’s a surprisingly serious film and could very well be the best of the three. It will obviously be compared to Shaun and Fuzz, but it deserves to be judged on its own merits.
CIA SPIES ON YELP, URBANSPOON USERS TO BUILD DATABASE OF FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS
(WASHINGTON, DC) – Hot on the heels of the NSA spying scandal, Wikileaks revealed a top-secret Government spying program tracking Yelp and Urbanspoon comments, collecting data for a secret governement database tracking 1st World Problems. The initiative called the Database Overseeing Unaccountable Customer Hardship Extranet, or DOUCHE, has so far gleaned over fifteen billion separate pieces of information on and amassed them in a massive “First World Problem” database.
AS CALGARY REBUILDS, THE REST OF CANADA RETURNS TO THINKING IT’S BETTER THAN ALBERTA
(CANADA)- Alberta’s response to the disastrous flood was a testament to Albertan strength, community and get-up-and-go. Canadians from coast-to-coast rallied to aid the troubled province. Now, weeks later, as Albertans return to their homes, non-Albertan Canadians are slowly and cautiously returning to their usual fallback positions of irrationally disliking Alberta when they haven’t even been there.