(OTTAWA)- Stephen Harper’s Tories announced plans to fully commemorate Canada’s War of 1812 bicentennial by rolling back civil rights by 200 years in order to help Canadians fully appreciate the greatness of Canada’s most definitive period.
Said James Moore, Minister of Canadian Heritage; “1812 was a defining chapter in our history. By rolling back laws and civil rights to that same era, all Canadians will be forced to learn even more about this important part of our proud heritage every minute of their lives.”
As of July 3d, non-whites and women will no longer have the right to vote and men may freely beat their wives and children. Black Canadians will openly be referred to as “them colored folks”, and Maritimers of Acadian origin will be immediately thrown out of their homes and deported to New Orleans.
Offenses such as treason, theft, homosexuality, and unusual sexual practices will be considered punishable by hanging in front of Parliament.
Aboriginal Canadians are to be especially well-commemorated as they will be made “civilized” by Christianity. As well, they will require a special pass if they wish to leave reserve land and will no longer be allowed to represent themselves in a court of law. Native families can be broken up by the Church and placed in the care of Catholic schools to educate them as they see fit, without regulation or Government intervention.
In fact, the Conservatives will be handing over complete control of schools, hospitals and civic activities to the Roman Catholic Church who will make abortion not only illegal, but nonexistent and therefore unattainable and beyond debate.
Said Minister Moore; “It fills my white heart with patriotic pride to see how heterosexual Catholic men have reacted so positively to this. ‘In All Thy Son’s command’, indeed.”