Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

Xmas is always the last gasp of acceptable christian public outbursts. Religious fools will publicly complain about ‘christmas’ becoming ‘Xmas’ and tedious christian-themed songs play in every shop, elevator and movie theatre. There are goofs who say things like “Remember the reason for the Season!” without being called a bible-thumping nutjob. When I point out that the “reason for the season” is pagan winter solstice rites that predate christianity by centuries, they tend to clam up and silently hit me with a glare that can only mean ‘we’ll see who’s laughing when you’re being disembowled in hell’.  (I always wonder, are there any observation platforms in heaven? Like a glass-bottom floor so one can really appreciate the eternal ‘I told you so’? Probably. It’s just the kind of dickhead thing heaven’s residents would flock to.)

One of the particularly tedious traditions this time of year are the televised address from the pope.

As near as I can tell, nobody likes the pope. Not even catholics. Nobody ever has a warm thing to say about him. I have never heard “Oh, that pope. Helluva guy!” or “I fucking LOVE the pope!” But I gather you’re not really supposed to like him, you’re expected to respect him. Or if you’re a rationalist, endure him.

But why respect him? He’s a complete hypocrite. And I don’t mean the very obvious ‘he calls for an end to poverty from a balcony worth more than 100 shanty-towns combined’ kinda way. I mean a much deeper and prolific kind of hypocrisy. Think about it: the guy LITERALLY thinks he’s the best person on the planet. He doesn’t suggest we be humble, he commends it! “Oi! YOU THERE! Be humble! Me and my BEST FRIEND GOD think you’re getting a bit uppity!” Anyone remember Orwell’s Animal Farm? Bacon, anybody?

The guy has about as much respect for humility as Mel Gibson has for an all-gay production of Fiddler on the Roof. (BA-DUM!)

But why does anybody listen to this dolt? And doesn’t the pope recognize his own glaring hypocrisy? I can only conclude that he is either;

A) Stupid

B) Insane

C) Craaaaazy Stupid!

So when the pontiff goes on television and decries:

“Christmas has become a commercial celebration, whose bright lights hide the mystery of god’s humility, which in turn, calls us to humility and simplicity.”

and

“Let us ask the Lord to help us see through the superficial glitter of this season.”.

and

” let us strip away our fixation on what is material, on what can be measured and grasped.”

seems disingenuous coming from a man dressed as a Faberge egg.

My policy is to never believe anybody who claims to know anything. This holiday season I have been visiting my own local pontif; Kristi the bartender at Falconetti’s Bar on Commercial Drive. Just like the Vatican it’s got singing Italians, confessions and Kristi  always keeps the sacramental wine flowing. No need for a rat-faced old bigot who thinks god farts out his ass. 

And at least she looks good in a dress.

Make it happy!

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