Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

Mr Flaherty, 

Two days ago in the House of Commons, you said “There are no bad jobs in Canada.” 

That’s funny, Jimmy, I distinctly remember working in a call centre selling lottery tickets to old people, and washing dishes in a perogie restaurant, and selling music boxes in the mall in a dumb pink shirt, all within Canada. I suppose these were a great jobs. If only I hadn’t been so spoiled and entitled! I should have appreciated the good life while I had it! 

I worked here. I can still hear those fucking music boxes in my sleep

FYI, Minister. Those people you see in the dumb uniforms at Subway? They aren’t volunteers. I know you heard they were called “sandwich artists”, but it’s a figurative term.

These days I work in a coffee shop for $10.50 an hour while I ply my comedy trade wherever I can. I get tips and free coffee and I don’t particularly enjoy it. And that’s fine. I made certain concessions so I could have the freedom to tour and write. I have a bad job that you claim doesn’t exist in Canada. I’m a 37-year old comedian and I serve lattes for a living. I am not a father of three who just got his walking papers from the Canada Food Inspection Agency due to your Conservatives mandate to “trim the fat” and with the amount of layoffs there’s not a lot of fat on many Canadian’s ribs these days. 

“There are no bad jobs in Canada”?  Really, Jim? Maybe you ought to revise your statement to “There are far less good jobs in Canada. Because of me.” May I remind you that your party is directly responsible for thousands of new claims this year?  So you lay them off and then call them lazy because they don’t want to work at Orange Julius to feed their families? What the hell is wrong with you?

Of course, I might have a more optimistic appraisal of the Canadian job market if I were the Minister for Finance, like you. You now make $235,000 which includes a $2,135.00 car allowance, not including pension or expenses. Funny, the fat-trimming never applies to the House of Commons, whichever party’s in power. 

Your also suggested that people would rather be on E.I. than working, like it’s a grand old time being unemployed. It’s those freeloaders on EI! They’re dragging us down with their lavish, unemployed lifestyle! 

Oh, the good life…

And I’d like to highlight the minor point that IT’S OUR FUCKING MONEY! It is a mandatory system! We have no choice but to pay into it, and when someone is laid off you have to hand it over because IT’S THAT PERSON’S MONEY IN THE FIRST PLACE! Every penny. 

I have thought long and hard about this. I have spent hours formulating witty polemics to illustrate my disagreement with your attitude towards the working poor. But I need to get back to my not-bad job, so I’ve got it boiled down to 2 words: FUCK YOU. That’s all a hopelessly out-of-touch, callous, ignorant hypocrite like you deserves. That’s me being conservative with my words. That’s me trimming the fat.