Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

 (TORONTO) - Facing massive spending cuts of $115 M, CBC announced they will be laying off 700 people and replacing them with popular presenter Jian Ghomeshi between Jan and Sept 2013.

CBC Human Resources Ted Farnsworth; “Jian’s trendy presence will extend to all departments of the CBC. As Marshal McLuhan might say; ‘The Medium is Ghomeshi’.”

As well as continuing as host of Q, Ghomeshi taking over Stuart McLean’s role on the Vinyl Café, replacing the entire panel on The Dragon’s Den and will be replacing Peter Mansbridge as host of the National. 

Ghomeshi personally laying off Mansbridge in a surprise on-air firing

As well as his on-air responsibilities, Mr Ghomeshi is filling numerous positions around CBC including Mail Clerk, Delivery Driver, Tour Guide, Gift Shop Sales Clerk, and every position in the Cafeteria. He will be taking over as chief communications officer and updating the CBC website daily as well as answering phones. He will also be the night security guard and janitor. 

What few staff remain at the CBC Building can look forward to being served their lunches with Mr Ghomeshi’s familiar voice; “Happy Tuesday. Our lunch special is the tuna melt.”

Just a few of the people who are slated to be Jian-sized as early as Jan, 2012

“The cost-cutting revenue he is helping us to save will ensure that quality CBC programs like Ghomeshi Night in Canada, Little Mosque on Ghomeshi and Ghomeshi Jr High will continue for may more seasons.”

Moments later Mr Farnsworth was informed that Jian Ghomeshi would, in fact, be replacing him as head of Human Resources effective immediately.

Reached for comment while packing his belongings into a cardboard box, Farnsworth expressed relief that at least he would not have to be around Mr Ghomeshi any longer. Said Farsworth; “That guy’s voice always sounds like he’s cumming into my ears.”