Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

What? Are you shitting me? I ain’t no monkey now and I never came from one neither!

I know where we come from: RIGHT HERE in Big Valley, Alberta! And right here is where I plan on stayin’! And lookin’ around, I don’t see no monkeys in my water cooler town.

Now I’ve never given no never mind to no monkeys and I sure as hell don’t plan to.  I don’t go to their homes and try to boss them around. I say let cowboys be cowboys, and let monkeys be monkeys.  So I’m sick of these Liberals trying to shove that MONKEY SCIENCE into our school! 

We don’t even look like monkeys! I don’t need some science book to tell me people don’t have no tails! Monkey are covered with fur! I don’t got no fur! I don’t even like bananas!

Can a monkey drive a truck? No. Can a monkey drive a fork lift? No. Can a monkey make a creation science museum in its own garage? No! A monkey can’t do any of these things! 

Round here we got what we call the Bible, yessir and it says not one word about any monkeys. That’s all the science we need here in Big Valley. 

COUNTERPOINT: PLEASE TELL ME I’M NOT GOING TO EVOLVE INTO ONE OF THOSE HICK ASSHOLES By an articulate macaque, jungles of Madagascar

Oh, seriously are you shitting me? Please tell me I’m not going to evolve into one of those hick assholes. 

Call me old fashioned, but my family comes from right here in a big valley in the jungle and right here is where we plan to stay. As far as I can tell, we’re pretty much perfect as is. The most horrible thing I can think of is evolving into some ignorant yokel who’s so out of touch that he can’t see the beauty in being a primate. 

Come on, man! They don’t even have tails! What good is life without a tail? How the hell else are you supposed to hang upside down while picking the nits out of your female’s fur? 

I’m okay right where I am, right here in the jungle surrounded by all my needs and my loved ones. Beautiful, lush green branches shelter me and my favorite food grows at arm’s reach! I sleep until I’m rested and then I spend the warm, tropical days swinging from branch to branch, and when I get bored I have awesome monkey sex. This is, like, every day for me. 

Who’d want to trade that in just stuck in traffic every day, on the way to their jobs at the cat-food warehouse?  Brother, they can have it!

I know I have little say in the ebb and flow of natural selection, but If I thought there was any chance of waking up one day as a tail-less, fur-less creature that can’t enjoy the exhilarating thrill of swinging through the trees in the last true paradise on earth and then masturbating in shade of a durian tree… well that’s not a future worth thinking about. 

Here we have shade, safety, love, fruit and regular orgasms. That’s all the god we need in our big, jungle valley.