Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) In response to Congress’ recent move to reaffirm the US motto is “In God We Trust”, God made a rare personal appearance on the floor of the Senate on Monday afternoon to tell America “I don’t like you, okay? Can’t you take a hint?”

God then unleashed a 13-minute frustrated rant aimed squarely at US Congressmen. “I was nice to you, like, one time because I felt sorry for you! And then you go and act like we’re best friends or something and you print my name on all your money. You never shut up about me. Please please please stop name-dropping me all the time. It’s soooooo embarrassing.” God then paused to catch his breath.

God continued; “I’ve been ignoring you for literally decades and you keep acting like we’re going steady. Well we’re not even friends, alright?! Get a life! Leave me alone!”

Following another pause, House Speaker John Boehner (R.) raised his hand to ask a question.

“You shut up, John BONER! You’re the worst one. I was ten trillion light years away making a supernova when you got elected. I had nothing to do with it, and then I see you on TV crying like a baby and telling everyone that I made it happen. Well I didn’t. Your wealthy backers got you elected. Leave me out of it, you big pussy.”

“Look at the facts. In the last decade you got a recession, 13% unemployment, a totally un-winnable war, natural disasters, 9-11 and the Bush Administration.  Does that sound like I’m helping you out? Please, STOP TRUSTING IN ME!”

God then stormed away from the podium. He stopped before going out the door for one final thought;

“You know who I am looking out for? The Rolling Stones, man. Those guys rule. I’m keeping them around forever.”