(KEITHVILLE, LA) – Having exhausted almost all ultra-right red states and still no Republican leader to be named, the GOP frontrunners are now attempting to win over Mr Buggles, a brain-damaged, masturbating ape at the Chimp Haven Sanctuary in Keithville, Louisiana.
6 years ago, Mr Buggles was kicked in the head by an elephant rendering him in a near catatonic state where he is only capable of masturbating, watching television and eating. He is considered the ideal Republican voter.
GOP contenders attempted to divert Mr Buggles’ attention and plied for any sign that he had a clear preference, which would give them a leg-up leading into Super Tuesday.
Newt Gingrich addressed Mr Buggles directly “Mitt Romney would tell you that there’s something wrong with being a primate who ceaselessly masturbates and watches TV.” said Mr Gingrich. “Well, I’m sorry but I just happen to believe that masturbating and watching TV are the very principles this great nation of ours was built on.”
Failing to grab Mr Buggles’ attention in his allotted 4 minutes, Mr Gingrich was forced to cede the floor to Mitt Romney.
Mr Romney plied for Mr Buggles’ preference by painting his buttocks blue and dancing around in an attempt to mimic the sultry mating dance of a female chimp, all the while telling stories of his childhood growing up in a family of masturbating chimpanzees. Only later was it pointed out to him that it is a female baboon’s ass that turns blue, not a chimp’s. He shrugged the mistake off, saying; “They’re all just stupid monkeys to me.”
Rick Santorum turned down the event on the grounds that he could not endorse masturbation on any level as the act is inherently homosexual.
The surprise winner in all of this is Mr Buggles himself, whom many GOP insiders are considering running for President in 2016.