HARPER FIRES JUDGES, PROCLAIMS HIMSELF “JUDGE DREDD”
(OTTAWA) – Following a backlash by judges over mandatory minimum sentences in the Tories’ Crime Bill, Stephen Harper has fired all sitting judges and declared himself Supreme judicial authority, or “Judge Harper”, combining the powers of police, judge, jury and executioner. Judge Harper is now empowered to arrest, sentence and even execute criminals on the spot with his “Tory Lawgiver” pistol capable of firing six types of ammunition and stun grenades.
Starting today, Judge Harper will patrol the mean streets of Canada and dispense justice as he sees fit. As well, Judge Harper will travel abroad on trade missions as well as diplomatic events and putting in his time in the House of Commons.
Dressed from head to toe in futuristic armor that obscures all features except his mouth, Judge Harper addressed reporters; “ Canadians elected a government who will deal with real crime in a real way. Mandatory sentences for marijuana possession are part of that plan to keep Canadians and their children safer. And so is me blowing bad guys’ heads off when they get lippy.”
When reporters fielded questions, Judge Harper raised his head towards the sky bellowing; “I AM THE LAW! I AM THE LAW!” before rocketing away on his cool “Tory Lawmaster” motorbike to dispense justice, Stephen Harper-style.
Leaders of the opposition are just relieved his mask covers up Harper’s creepy grey eyes.