I LOVE THIS DEAD GUY!
It’s been a pretty cynical week, what Tosh’s horrible rape jokes, a maniac gunning down a theatre and a beloved actor’s life ruined because he jerked off in a porno theatre. We could use a slice of kick-ass to cut the bleak. It’s State of the Week’s GREAT OF THE WEEK! And (the late) Val Patterson definitely merits it.
Val Patterson from Salt Lake City decided to write his own obituary in the Salt Lake City Tribune before dying of throat cancer. In his obituary he felt the need to clear the air over a few things:
“Now that I have gone to my reward, I have confessions and things I should now say,” writes Patterson “As it turns out, I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June 1971.”
As well, he confessed to having ruined a geyser by rolling rocks into it. Also, for whatever reason, he was banned from both SeaWorld and Disneyland.
And as if that weren’t awesome enough, he confesses that he never actually earned his doctorate from the University of Utah:
“What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the U of U, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn’t even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters “PhD” even stood for.”
And just for good measure, he was a wicked husband. His biggest confession was a deep, heartfelt love for his wife and regret that he couldn’t spend more time with her.
It’s a shame it took the man’s death to reveal his awesomness. Never met him, wish I had. Hey dead guy, you fucking rule.
See Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB