(OTTAWA)- With talks between Conservatives and Aboriginal groups at a stand-still, Ottawa and Enbridge Industries have decided to construct a massive catapult to toss oil over Native lands.
Said Natural Resources Minister Joe Oliver; “The Conservatives wish to boost the economy of Canada while respecting the concerns of all them Indians. Therefore, we will not be running a pipeline through their lands against their wishes. Instead, we will launch it over their lands. Problem solved.”
The Enbridge designed Northern Gateway “OIL-A-PULT” will be built on the BC / Alberta border and launch massive rubber bags filled with unrefined bitumen oil over the contested lands into the Pacific Ocean where they will float down to the decks of oil tankers via parachutes.
Said Chief Jackie Thomas, of the Saik’uz First Nation “Seriously? Have you never seen an episode of the Road Runner?”
Enbridge CEO Pat Daniel shoots down any concerns “These OIL-A-PULTS are state-of-the-art catapult technology. Believe us, nothing can possibly go wrong with this plan. But just in case we’ll provide them all with umbrellas.”