Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

Is Canada a secular society?

Then why are banks and Government agencies taking a paid day off in celebration of the re-animation of dead human tissue?

Prime Minister Stephen Harper actually believes in the re-animation of dead human flesh. Which isn’t surprising coming from a man who makes Frankenstein look like Richard Simmons.

But whether or not many Canadians believe in the re-animation of dead human tissue, it remains that Canada is a secular society and the fucking passport office should remain open at no extra cost to the taxpayers, many of whom ARE NOT CHRISTIAN. How is a paid day off for the christian celebration of the resurrection of jesus christ this not state-sanctioned preference for Christianity? When’s the last time you had a paid day off for Ramadan or Passover? 

I, like many rationalists, always have a dilemma this time of year. On the one hand, I get time and a half at my crummy coffee shop job, but on the other hand, it’s all predicated on religious nonsense. How does an atheist enjoy the few extra bucks while not condoning state-sanctioned christian superstition?

And I know, I know. You threw some rabbits and chocolates in there, but the stink of christianity is still all over it.(Pagan Spring fertility rights notwithstanding)

I’m obviously not against a paid day off, especially in the midst of this Government’s all-out assault on Unions (enjoy ‘em while they last), but can’t we put the holy mumbo-jumbo aside and maybe offer everyone time and a half on a International Women’s Day, instead?

And speaking of women, Pope “Eggs” Benedict has verbally trounced a group of Austrian catholic priests who dared to suggest that a person could read out aloud from a book without having a penis. They also suggested that the odd orgasm wouldn’t be so bad, either. Benny said “No dice? No dice.”

Leave it to a guy who, by his own admission, has never had an orgasm.You know that wonderful feeling of harmony in the world, and love and of every living thing that washes over you after an orgasm? The Pope has never experienced that. Not once. In fact, he thinks having an orgasm is gets in the way of running an efficient institution. Which kind of explains the maudlin costumes and child molestation, if you ask me.

With friends like this happy fellow, who needs masturbation?

So what it all boils down to is this. Is it worth a paid day off to lend any credibility to this cruel, mean-spirited, misogynistic, homophobic, joy-hating hypocrite with blue balls the size of Jupiter? A man who covers up the acts of child rapists? A man who believes that anyone who disagrees with him will be tortured for eternity? A man who, to quote Christopher Hitchens, “believes AIDS may be bad, but not quite as bad as condoms.” Because that’s what we’re doing by classifying easter as bank holiday. We’re saying ‘Canada is Christian and we believe in the re-animation of dead human tissue’. Or simply ‘We’re Canada and we’re stupid’.

Let’s take a long weekend, fine. But it’s time for Canada to replace this easter nonsense with a non-christian long weekend holiday. I nominate Human Rights Day or Earth Day. Or my favorite Monkey Day. Monkeys didn’t hang witches, repress scientific progress or mutilate children’s genitalia.

Happy monkey day, everybody.