VANCOUVER UNVEILS NEW “RIOT LANES”
(VANCOUVER) On the one-year anniversary of the infamous Vancouver hockey riot, Vancouver mayor Gregor Robertson is hoping to quash any future out-of-control violence by introducing Canada’s first ever “riot lanes”.
“Rioting is a very popular pastime in Vancouver, especially during hockey season. It’s an excellent source of exercise, reduces obesity and stress and encourages cardiovascular workout. These riot lanes will allow people to get out there and express themselves with a minimal amount of damage to property and businesses.“ he then added “And as long as people are on the streets rioting, at least they’re not in their cars, thank god. Those things are terrible for the city.”
The separated riot lanes will run through the downtown core of the city linking the two stadiums and then along Kingsway all the way to Surrey so people can riot their way back home. Rioters will be free to shriek, pound their chests, make out, set fire to shopping carts and pose for photographs as long as they remain within the partitions.
“Anyone caught rioting over the yellow or after reasonable rioting hours will be met with a stiff penalty including a fine and possible community service.” He stated sternly.
The Vancouver hockey riot exploded following the Vancouver Canucks loss in game 7 of the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals.
“If we’d had these lanes in place, think of the losses we could have prevented.”
Robertson does concede that the lanes are only large enough to accommodate a few hundred rioters per block and may be inefficient during peak rioting times such as the Canucks having another run at the Stanley Cup. “But given the way Luongo’s been playing that shouldn’t be an issue for another 15 years.”