OTTAWA ANTI-ABORTION RALLY RESULTS IN 53 UNWANTED PREGNANCIES
(OTTAWA)- Thousands of Anti-abortion activists came together on Parliament Hill to voice their opposition to legal abortion. The beautiful spring weather coupled with heated, passionate discourse has resulted in at least 53 unwanted pregnancies that can be directly attributed to the event.
Brenda Gibbons, a spokeswoman for Campaign 4Life was impregnated by a mysterious, bearded anti-abortion protester at 3:45 pm, shortly after the rally. “While I was up there shouting through a bullhorn about the rights of the unborn and, our eyes just kept drifting together. I guess it was all that talk about uteruses… One thing led to another behind some bushes on the Hill and here I am. Blessed. Yup, blessed…”
Harriet Crissman, a 19-year-old from Wymark, SK who works in a plunger factory and earns $9.40 per hour was inseminated by a fellow 21 year old pro-life protester in an Ottawa hostel following the rally. “I guess I’ll be making plungers a little longer than I was counting on. 20 years longer. And that Mexico trip is definitely out. Thanks, God.”
8 of these young people are will be parents in 9 months
Leah Friesen, 23, is now gestating a zygote donated by a mutual acquaintance she shared a car in her pro-life carpool from Steinbach, MB. Ms Friesen didn’t bring any birth control because she thought she was against that sort of thing. “I’ll be very pro-life for the next 9 months until that baby comes out of my…” shuddering at the thought of her young body being stretched and ripped beyond recognition. “I’m kinda hoping God blesses me with a miscarriage.” She sighs.
The other 50 are presently suspicious that they might be pregnant but are praying that God does not choose their particular uterus to consecrate a new life within.