Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

(MONTREAL) - In an effort to uphold the French Language Charter, Quebec’s language police are cracking down on sex workers who fail to provide blowjobs in both French and English.

Said the Quebec French Language Office (QFLO) “Sex work is a vital part of Quebec culture, attracting thousands of tourists, politicians and lonely businessmen night after night. If our sex workers only offer hummers and rim-jobs in English, we’d be giving the world only one half of Quebec culture. Sacre bleu!”

Until now popular sex acts including the Baloney Vortex, the Rice-Pudding Roundabout and a local Montreal favorite the Stuttering Shatner have been offered mostly in English and Dutch, but rarely in French. Escorts of both gender could face large fines unless they also offer these services as the “Tornad de Jambon”, the “Pouding au Riz Rond-pont” and the “Bégayer Shatner”, respectively.

Presently the only sex act that remains untouched with litigation is “poon-tine”, which remains as gooey and delicious as ever.