Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

JESUS TRAMPLED AFTER CRUCIFIXION RE-ENACTMENT SCHEDULED ON SAME WEEKEND AS THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS

Sun, 31 Mar 2013 13:33:00 -0700

(PAMPLONA)- An actor portraying Jesus of Nazareth was rushed to hospital after being trampled by a dozen stampeding bulls when a scheduling error placed the annual Easter crucifixion re-enactment on the same weekend as the Running of the Bulls.

During a re-creation of Christ’s march to the cruxifiction site, Jesus, Roman Centurions and devotees were taken unawares as bulls, some weighing as much as 2400 lbs, stampeded around the corner and began goring worshipers left, right, and centre.

“Everybody scattered. The Pharisees climbed to higher ground and got away. But poor Jesus was completely abandoned by his own Apostles. Even Mary Magdelene shouted ‘You’re on your own!’ and bolted.” said an eyewitness.

Jesus tried desperately to undo his hands from his heavy wooden crucifix. He was last heard shouting “Hey guys! Why have you forsaken me?!” before being stomped into the sidewalk.

He was later taken to hospital in the back of a pick-up truck, as his enormous crucifix made it impossible for him to fit in the back of an ambulance.

Said an actor portraying Pontius Pilate; “He didn’t even make it to Skull Hill to be crucified. That’s the real tragedy.”

City event planners are calling it an act of God and washing their hands of the whole thing.

Check out Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

INVENTION OF SENTIENT, SELF-AWARE GUN THAT LOVES KILLING PEOPLE FORCES N.R.A. TO CHANGE THEIR SLOGAN

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 14:22:00 -0700

The invention of a self-aware, robotic assault rifle that knowingly and enthusiastically kills people has forced the National Rifle Association to change their long-cherished and oft-repeated belief that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

Said Wayne LaPierre, the NRA’s chief spokesman today; “The invention of this walking-thinking-killing gun on robot legs has forced us to reconsider our position. It seems some guns do kill people. We’re looking at some new slogans like ‘guns don’t kill people, people and guns that kill people kill people’, or maybe ‘most guns don’t kill people except those self-aware guns that exist only to kill people kill people.’ We’re throwing it around the room.

“But one thing that is certain is that the only thing that stops an evil self-aware gun imbued with Artificial Intelligence that kills people is a good self-aware gun that doesn’t kill any people. So hopefully the evil scientists make some of those, too. Fingers crossed.”

Added LaPierre; “They can take my self-aware robot gun that murdered me when it pries itself from my cold dead hand.”

Check out Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

ANTI-GENTRIFICATION VANDALISM RESULTS IN MORE GENTRIFICATION

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 17:44:00 -0700

(VANCOUVER) - An activist group calling themselves The Anti-Gentrification Front are frustrated to learn that their bouts of vandalism have only resulted in more gentrification.

Several East Vancouver businesses have been repeated targets of acts of vandalism by the group claiming to act on behalf of lower-income citizens. An AGF blog post reads; “Yuppies have been going about their gourmet dinners, buying up their lucky condos and flaunting their wealth by driving expensive cars. So last night, for the third time, Famoso Neapolitan Pizzeria was attacked.”

Ironically, the acts of violence have actually boosted business by lending an air of street-cred to a neighbourhood many had written-off as having grown dull and overpriced.

“I love it”, said Michael Paolini, owner of Famoso Neapolitan Pizzeria “Every time they do it, my restaurant is packed. So keep ‘em coming! At this rate I’ll be able to open up a brand new location across the street from Pigeon Park”

Inside Famoso, customers are soaking up the newly legitimized “East Van” atmosphere. “ These Anti-Gentrification kids are giving Commercial Drive priceless branding. I was worried that the Drive was turning into some kind of yuppie breeding ground, but these acts of careless, idiotic violence remind me that it’s still very real, man. I think I’m going to buy a condo down here.”

Many businesses are now clamouring for the AGF to destroy their shop windows, even going as far as leaving bricks lying around on the sidewalk and hang photos of prominent yuppies in their windows with targets around them.

This morning, the AGF left a frustrated post; “Hey yuppies! Don’t you get it? Gentrification is BAD??? DUH??? Hell-o! If you’re just going to act like babies maybe I won’t bother destroying your property anymore.”

The anti-gentrification craze has even lead to a condo building and restaurant complex in development called Ungentrified featuring pre-shattered windows and waiters dressed in balaclavas and hoodies. The Anti-Gentrification Front is in talks with real estate developers to vandalize and defecate on its front steps for an undisclosed sum of money.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

CANADA COMMEMORATES ST. PATRICK’S DAY BY MAKING ABORTION ILLEGAL FOR 24 HOURS

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 14:11:00 -0700

(OTTAWA) - It’s the time of year when everything Irish is in the spotlight. The Conservatives have shown their appreciation for Ireland by making abortion illegal in Canada for all of St Patrick’s Day. Prime Minister Stephen Harper made the announcement from an Irish-themed pub following Saturday’s St Patrick’s day Parade in Ottawa.

“From shamrock shakes to Riverdance and Colin Farrell, the Irish have made a distinct contribution to Canada and the world. Canada will show our appreciation for these proud people by making abortion illegal across Canada in accordance with the Holy Catholic Church, just like in Ireland. Now who’s up for a green beer?”

Until Midnight tomorrow all Canadian women’s health clinics will have their doors chained up by iron shamrocks and any scheduled abortions will be canceled. Anybody providing an abortion will be placed in police custody and face anywhere from 5 years in prison to a life sentence, in keeping with Irish law.

Any women seeking abortions will have to travel out of country to do so.

Pro-Life MP Stephen Woodward applauds the decision. “ I just wish it could be St Patrick’s day every day, God willing I’ll try to make it so.”

Check out Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

VANCOUVER TO SOLIDIFY DOUCHEBAG IMAGE WITH LAW REQUIRING CATS ON LEASHES

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 18:14:00 -0800

HOLY SHIT!!! Have you heard the latest news?! Cats kill birds and mice! Who knew?

Anybody who’s ever watched Looney Tunes.

Vancouver is about to push the limits of just how regulated a city can become before officially turning into Terry Gilliam’s Brazil with City Hall discussing a plan requiring cat owners to leash their cats before letting them outside. It seems cats are eating birds and our precious population of pigeons is diminishing. The fact that it’s mostly strays who are responsible for the bird killing doesn’t seem to matter. Vancouver never met a pointless regulation it didn’t embrace whole-heartedly.

BC Nature President John Neville says “You would have to let (your cat) out either in a run, or take it out on a leash or keep it totally indoors.”

Vancouver: city of cat-walkers. The rest of the country already regard us a metropolis of hopelessly self-absorbed yoga-zombies rollerblading to work in a smoothie factory. Just add a yuppie couple walking a grey tabby on the seawall, and I will no longer be able to credibly defend this city.

Not to mention the fact that there is no better way to make a cat crazy than to keep it indoors. I think we all know somebody with one of “those cats”. It’s usually a hateful, hissing little beast who’s clawing at your eyeballs one minute and pervertedly rubbing up against your leg the next in a desperate, unwelcome feline lap-dance like a tiny, hairy Courtney Love with a box of shit in the corner. Gross. Cats need to go outside and explore in order to remain sane. If they kill the odd bird, that’s the way it goes.

Even dumber is a proposed off-leash “cat park” where owners can bring their feline friends, let them off the leash and watch them immediately run as far from away from the park as possible, never to be seen again. How would they possibly contain the cats? Barbed wire? A plastic dome? Electric fence? That’s not a cat park, it’s a cat prison.

No doubt Mayor Gregor Robertson will introduce individual traffic lanes for such a purpose. Cat-walking lanes, next to our Bicycle Lanes to further enrage the driving hoards already frustrated that every square inch of Vancouver is not accessible by SUV.

Vancouverites live in a bubble of delusion that our city is somehow good for nature. Should you recycle? Yes. Ride a bike to work? Absolutely. Compost? Good idea. But let’s not create an army of bat-shit insane cats just so we can continue deluding ourselves that our city is eco-friendly and that our condos are actually good for Mother Nature. Sorry, birds.

Wanna see more? Check out Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

CANADA DEPLOYS 350 PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TROOPS TO MALI

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 15:08:00 -0800

Ottawa has deployed 350 passive-aggressive troops to Mali to support French forces as they battle al-Qaeda extremists.

Said Defense Minister Peter MacKay in a press conference earlier today “Canada continues to do its part to combat terrorism in the best way Canadians know how: through guilt trips and petty backhanded compliments against Al-Qaeda forces.”

Effective immediately the Canada’s Navy has deployed three Iroquois-Class Destroyers the HMCS Don’t Take This The Wrong Way, But… the HMCS Look, All I’m Saying Is and the HMCS Don’t Get So Defensive bringing Canadian troops to the region to support French forces who have been steadily advancing on Al-Queda.

Canadian soldiers trained in passive-aggressive warfare techniques including; hostility masquerading as jokes, faux helplessness, eye-rolling and sarcasm will reach Mali by week’s end.

Passive-Aggressive military action began this morning with a Canadian C-17 Sulkmaster littering Timbuktu and surrounding areas with bitchy post-it notes reading;

“Hey, if you feel like it, how about vacuuming a little and tidying up as you retreat?”

“ancient sacred documents are our ancient documents!!! NOT YOURS!!! If you want to burn documents, burn your own documents!!! PLEASE stop burning other people’s sacred documents!!!

“I don’t know if you forgot, but you ate the last box of Kraft Dinner and didn’t replace it. Just sayin’.”

Added Peter MacKay; “Al Queda is a cancer, and will spread if not cut out…you know, take that any way you want. Whatever. Just forget I said anything. No, nothing’s wrong.”

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

DEADLY BANGLADESH GARMENT FACTORY FIRE RESULTS IN HUGE SAVINGS FOR CUSTOMERS, SAYS WALMART

Wed, 28 Nov 2012 15:19:00 -0800

A fire engulfed a garment factory in Bangladesh, killing at least 112 people in the building without emergency exits and Walmart is passing the savings onto you, said Walmart spokesman Colon Brinkus.

“Our everyday low prices were a result of inhuman factory conditions overseen by corrupt, easily-purchased puppet regimes. But now that the Tazreen Textile Factory is closed for business, we have thousands of name brand garments are available at even lower prices! We have slightly smoky-smelling or lightly singed garments for sale at even lower prices. Just in time for the holidays.”

“Look at this!” said Brinkus from the aisle of an area Walmart “These are name brand khakis with minimal blood splatter only $8.99! Nothing a big shrug and a little bleach won’t take care of. Baby clothes with footprints on them? $1.99! Women’s bras that were tied together to fashion a crude rope in a failed attempt to lower themselves off the roof of the burning factory? $2.99 each or $20.00 for the whole string! That’s just another example of Walmart’s ceaseless and morally ambiguous commitment to the consumer.”

Brinkus added; “You’ll be stampeding into Walmart the same way those workers trampled each other trying to escape the blaze! In fact, if you find a lower advertised price due to a Third World textile death inferno, we’ll match it at the register. That’s the Walmart lower price guarantee!”

” Raising prices on our loyal customers? That would be the real tragedy.”

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

IRISH CATHOLICS SADDENED BY DEATH OF FETUS. AND MAYBE THE MOTHER TOO, THEY GUESS

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 20:29:00 -0800

(GALWAY) - Irish Catholics are deeply distraught, shocked and saddened by the tragic death of a 4-month old fetus after a woman who was denied an abortion died in hospital. They’re not yet sure whether they are also sad for the mother too.

The fetus was transported to hospital in the uterus of some woman or other who had whined about severe abdominal and lower-back pains. Catholic doctors fought valiantly for the life of the fetus even in the wake of the woman’s selfish and ghoulish pleas to abort the blessed child, which the resolute Catholic doctors scolded the woman for having even considered.

Said Bishop Ryan O’Riordan; “It’s a shame that a wee babby like tha’ died. That slapper should have taken better care if her uterus. That way she wouldn’t be burnin’ in hell right now.”

Said Father Patrick Byrne; “It’s always a great tragedy when a precious little fetus dies inside some broad. What’s even sadder is that a perfectly good uterus died that could have easily made another dozen Catholics.”

Irish Catholic politicians have called an emergency meeting of Irish Parliament to pass immediate legislation making it illegal to have a miscarriage while in Ireland under punishment of stoning.

There will be a vigil held for the fetus which will be attended by Pope Benedict XVI. The Catholic doctors have misplaced the corpse of the mother, but believe it to have been taken out with this morning’s trash.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

OBAMA WINS, IMPOSES SHARIA LAW; “FOOLS! YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO CHUCK NORRIS!”

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 19:03:00 -0800

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) – Following one of the closest and most hotly contested elections in US history, President Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term over Republican challenger Mitt Romney. Following Governor Romney’s concession speech, President Obama thanked his supporters and volunteers and then immediately imposed Sharia law in keeping with his Muslim values that he had expertly been keeping a secret since before he first ran for office.

“Fools! Fools! FOOOOOOOLS!” shrieked President Obama at the throngs of shocked onlookers as a massive Muslim/ Nazi/ Atheist flag rolled down obscuring the stars and stripes. “You should have listened to Chuck Norris!” in reference to the actor’s dire warnings that “America faces 1000 years of darkness” if Obama was re- elected, which turned out to be accurate.

The President howled; “Let the millennium of darkness begin! Now feel the power of the Socialist Muslim Atheist Negro might of Barack HUSSEIN Obama!”

First Lady Michelle Obama then appeared dressed head-to-toe in a Muslim Niqab and Burqa and set about circumcising actress and Tea Party advocate Victoria Jackson.

The President had aged rock star and outspoken Obama critic Ted Nugent hauled before him and demanded that he immediately convert to Islam or be beheaded on international television. When Nugent refused and began singing “The Star Spangled Banner”, President Obama sliced his head off with a scimitar he had concealed under his trench coat.

“Oh well.” said an onlooker in the crowd; “He’s still more reasonable than my Health Insurance provider.”

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

THE OBAMA & MITT SHOW APPROACHES TEARFUL, 20-HOUR FINALE

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 13:38:00 -0800

(U.S.) - Following a tremendously popular run, beloved television series Obama & Mitt draws to its tearful finale this Tuesday. The series is based on two Presidential hopefuls who, despite their differences, discover they have far more in common than they first imagined. The 20-hour finale is expected to draw well over 100 million viewers worldwide.

The show even featured cameos from real-life celebrities such as Bill Clinton, Big Bird, a zany Ted Nugent as a nutty hillbilly and most memorably a scene-stealing Clint Eastwood as a senile caricature of himself arguing with an empty chair.

While the series was set in the world of politics, it was careful not to address any real issues such as poverty or climate change. A subplot based on abortion rights proved to be so unpopular that writers hurriedly replaced it with a plotline involving a Chinese plot to take over the world.

Viewers are sad to see the series end. Online chat rooms are brimming with recollections of the beloved series.

“It was heartwarming and just filled my house with good will and made you feel that there are still good people in the world. I’ll be sad to see it go.”

“It reflected the best of the USA and it made me proud to be an American.”

“It just made you feel good about the world in a thoughtful, positive way. It’s obviously a sentimental portrayal of two unrealistic characters and impossible to believe in any serious way. But my family and I would look forward to coming together and watching the Obama and Mitt Show. It filled our lives with hope and joy.”

Speculation of the series finale is that Mitt will move to Alaska where he will become a put-upon doctor in a town inhabited by eccentric characters in a spinoff series titled Mormon Exposure.

Sources have leaked that in the final scene of the series President Barack Obama will return to the Oval Office, straighten the painting of Geronimo, and then turn out the light.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

ARMY TO GO SCHOOL-TO-SCHOOL BEATING UP BULLIES

Fri, 02 Nov 2012 16:04:00 -0700

(OTTAWA) – In a radical new anti-bullying agenda, members of the Canadian armed forces are traveling to every school in Canada identifying and beating up schoolyard bullies.

Said Minister of Justice Robert Nicholson; “The Conservative Government is committed to solving the problem of bullying head-on. So playground by playground we will eliminate bullying by having the brave men and women of our Armed Forces kick the snot out of every one of these schoolyard thugs.”

For the next 7 months the Canadian Army will identify and beat the shit out of every single bully in Canada. Photos will then be taken of the bully’s bruised, bloodied beaten face and added to an online database and prominently displayed on billboards and in newspapers. The bullies’ home addresses, email and phone numbers will be posted and citizens encouraged to harass the bullies and their families for the rest of their natural lives.

CBC has announced a 13 part documentary series, following the anti-bully brigades throughout the process. The show, called Lynched By Canada, is presented by Jian Ghomeshi and features celebrities clobbering the living shit out of each and every last schoolyard hooligan. Celebrities include Jann Arden, Rick Mercer, Gordon Lightfoot, Margaret Atwood and Blue Rodeo all pounding the young faces of pre-teen goons from coast to coast. Prime Minister Stephen Harper will appear in the last episode of the series to give a gonch pull to the country’s very last bully, thereby ending bullying in Canada forever.

Said the P.M. “I’m looking forward to forcing some little punk’s face into a pile of yellow snow until they say “Prime Minister”. I’m doing this for the children.”

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

ALL THE PEOPLE IN CARS MAD AT ALL THE PEOPLE IN CARS

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 15:09:00 -0700

(EVERYWHERE) 5:23 pm. All the people in cars are made at all the people in cars. All the people in cars grew increasingly frustrated with all the other people in cars since they left their homes this morning and got in their cars, started the ignition, and drove onto the road to encounter all the other people in cars who are making them angry.

This is the second time today that all the people in cars are mad at all the people in cars, this time facing the opposite direction.

The people in cars are impatiently honking their horns at all the other people in cars, which is irritating other people in cars who are powerless to move their car at the behest of the horn-honking car operator behind them.

“MOVE! GO!” shouts a car-operating person, before settling down and listening to the radio which is describing just how many people in cars there are, of which she is just one of millions. This only makes the experience more miserable, leading to a creeping sense of one’s own mortality in relation to the steady ebbing of life slipping away moment by moment, bumper by bumper…

“FUCK! JUST GO!”

City officials are investigating the problem of all the people in cars. Possible solutions include widening the roads and building bridges and tunnels to accommodate even more people in their cars all at the same time, but in far larger amounts.

All the people in cars really hate all the people on bicycles who are already at home relaxing.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

DON’T BURN THE KORAN. DON’T BURN CITIES. EVERYONE STOP BURNING THINGS!

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 14:33:00 -0700

In a bizarre act of breakfast-related Islam phobia, two piles of bacon were left on the front steps of a mosque in Coquitlam, BC. Authorities scrambled to determine whether or not this constitutes a hate-crime and hesitantly decided that it was. Except that leaving bacon lying around isn’t a crime. There’s no doubt that hate factors into it, but leaving bacon lying around surely isn’t mush more than a hate-misdemeanor at worst. Hate-littering. As an Atheist, I see it as nothing more than a terrible waste of bacon.

In an unrelated story, a few days later American Evangelical Pastor Terry Jones (not the Monty Python alumni) was barred from entering Canada on the grounds that he is a bigoted asshole. You may remember Pastor Jones as the charmer who was planning on burning a Koran last year. Well not just a Koran, a really big pile of Korans on his self-described “International Burn A Koran Day”.

At the border, guards searched his car and found signs reading “Koran Burning Site” and “Islam is the Nazism” And he oughtta know, being the expert in burning books.

Because what’s the worst that could happen?

Oh right.

Is everybody just allowed to have a day? Is that how it works? Was he actually expecting anybody to join him in this openly bigoted (and probably suicidal) cry for attention? And why do I get the impression that for Pastors Jones, every day is International Burn The Koran Day?

Yes, Pastor Jones, you do have the right to burn a Koran. Just don’t be surprised when Canada’s not that thrilled to let you into our country, especially when we have troops on the ground in Afghanistan and, I think we can all agree, in that part of the world certain Muslims can be a little, how can I put this? Explode-y? And they’re really into that book you want to start a bigot barbecue with.

Fuck Twilight fans. These guys LOVE their book.

Sure we found some bullshit charges in order to keep you out, but them’s the breaks. You should have thought of that before announcing to the entire planet that you were really into burning books.

Do you have the right to burn a copy of the Koran? Yes. Should you burn one? Probably not. You have the right to burn as many Korans as you wish, and we have the right to keep you out of Canada on trumped-up charges.

That said…

I have zero respect for Islamic belief, or any religious belief at all. You don’t have to respect beliefs. You only have to respect people.

I marvel about how one of the most advanced and societies that ever existed, people who pretty much invented mathematics and the written word, can possibly get so bent out of shape over a low-budget piece of shit like “The Innocence of Muslims”. The preview is so low budget it looks like a sketch from SCTV.

This may or may not be Harold Ramis

(And not even the later years when they had some money, I mean the Edmonton years)

Have you never figured out when you’re being baited, Islam? DON’T TAKE THE BAIT. If you really wanted to shock the world they’d try not rioting at the slightest provocation.

Listen, if Allah is Great and blah blah blah, then why do you feel the need to riot and murder and threaten in his name? Do you not trust that he’ll take care of shit on his own? The reasons enraged Muslims riot on the streets of Yemen seems to have little to do with to do with is to show off for Allah. “Look, Allah! That cartoonist drew a caricature of you and I cut out his heart in front of his children! I love you most!” So really, the rioting Muslims are pretty much just showing off for the big guy.

The only people giving any credit to the people you want to murder in the name of Islam are yourselves. You put me in an awkward corner. If I have to decide between people who burn Korans or people who burn people, I have to side with the former.

Seriously. Chill the fuck out. You’re all better than this. It’s Evangelical Christians baiting hyper-sensitive Muslims who spazz out like cranky kids in the back seat during a very long and increasingly irritating family trip.

It distracts the open-minded ones who are still trying to drive this car.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

THE TALENTED MR. ROMNEY Coming Soon…The twisted, creepy...

Sun, 14 Oct 2012 17:42:00 -0700

THE TALENTED MR. ROMNEY

Coming Soon…The twisted, creepy tale of an insane, desperate man trapped in an ever-spiraling vortex of lies who must spin an increasingly impossible-to-believe web of deception in order to avoid suspicion!

Who is Mr Romney?

A billionaire union-buster and a common blue-collar worker simultaneously…’

A pro-choicer who’ll “hopefully roll back Roe Vs Wade”…

A Feminist who’ll stop funding for Planned Parenthood…

A man who loves Big Bird but will cut funding to PBS…

A responsible pet-owner who straps his dog to the top of his car…

After all, in American politics it’s better to be a fake everybody than a real nobody.

THE TALENTED MR ROMNEY starring MITT ROMNEY, PAUL RYAN, AYN RAND and a cast of millions of deluded Republican voters.

Coming This Fall

47% on Rotten Tomatoes (depending on who you ask)

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

A HONKY-DORY THANKSGIVING PRAYER

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 14:00:00 -0700

Dear White God,

We sit around the table resplendent with this delicious bounty and give thanks. We give thanks for family, we give thanks for plenty, and we give thanks for you, Heavenly Father. You’ve been doing a bang-up job O Lord! No complaints here from Whitesville!

Thank you for making us born white with all the unspoken and taken-for-granted privileges that come along with it. Not that we ever notice, being surrounded as we are by ourselves in our cul-de-sacs, so perfectly circularly designed to reflect on each other. Thanks for not making me homeless because those people give me the creeps.

We thank you for khakis, we thank you for enormous malls, we thank you for the police department and we thank you for the Queen. And Nickelback.

Oh yeah, and all the land. We thanks for that, too, O Almighty God. We won’t thank the people whose land it actually was, mind, there’s far too much land to account for so we’ll just thank you and trust that you’ll pass the word along to all those Indians and you can repay them anyway you see fit. You’ve been doing a great job so far.

What’s that, Grandpa? “I don’t know what those Indians are complaining about. If it wasn’t for us they wouldn’t even have their reservations.”

Grandpa, I think you’ll find that isn’t a generally acceptable to say that these days. It’s the new millennium and white Canadians have progressed from distrusting and oppressing the Indian man to pretending that everything is just even-Stevens. We’ve come a long way!

Remember little Billy’s Thanksgiving play in school last week? The Pilgrims arrive in the “New World” (named that because it was brand new land, still with that “New World” smell), and winter falls hard upon the helpless pilgrims (aka “explorers” aka “Catholics”). The local native bands arrive with a winter harvest saving the lives of the pilgrims who repay the favor by culturally overwhelming the natives, and eventually resulting in racial segregation, systematic police brutality and Residential Schools.

Oh yeah and the smallpox. That was a doozy. But it was a long time ago and, gosh, we Caucasians just feel awful about that.

Didn’t we have a Canadian Heritage Moment about that one? I’m pretty sure we did. Canadian Heritage Minutes solve everything. I like the one about Winnie the Pooh!

So thanks for giving us the meanest ancestors and then cushioning their atrocious acts through a buffer zone of generations so we can’t logically feel too guilty about it. Not really. That really helps, O Lord.

We prepare to feast on turkey, even in the midst of the biggest meat recall in our great country’s history. This delicious bird, churned out of factory farms that would have given even William Blake nightmares. And we have a little piece of that right here I front of us. Yum yum!

So thanks to you, O Lord. Because, after all, it was your idea to send us over the ocean in the first place and everything played out just the way you wanted. Lucky for us.

Amen.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

E. COLI OUTBREAK CAUSED BY BACTERIA FOUND IN AGR. MINISTER GERRY RITZ’S WALRUS MOUSTACHE

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 18:54:00 -0700

(OTTAWA) -New light was shed on the XL Foods tainted beef scandal when it was revealed the E. coli outbreak sweeping across the country was caused by ancient bacteria found in Federal Agriculture Minister Gerry Ritz’s huge walrus moustache.

Samples of Mr Ritz’s moustache stunned the scientific community. “The thick, swamp-like morass of Mr Ritz’s moustache combined with hot air and decaying foodstuff from his mouth makes an ideal breeding ground for micro-organisms.” Said microbiologist Andrew Werner.

A visibly annoyed XL Foods spokesman lashed out at the Minister’s festering handlebar. “He’s been dragging that thing around meat plants all over Canada like broom full of the Andromeda Strain. He may as well have brought along that monkey from the movie Outbreak.”

Health Minister Leona Aglukkaq has demanded that it be immediately removed from Gerry Ritz, incinerated and shot into space to pose no further threat to the people of Earth. “That moustache really puts the ‘strain’ in ‘soup-strainer’. She added.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

ATHEIST MOBS RIOT OVER FB PHOTO DEEMED OFFENSIVE TO RICHARD DAWKINS

Tue, 02 Oct 2012 18:34:00 -0700

(OXFORD) – Thousands of enraged Atheist rioters rampaged through the streets of Oxford after a photo deemed offensive to Richard Dawkins surfaced on facebook.

The unflattering photo is an embarrassing candid shot depicting esteemed biologist and author of The God Delusion Richard Dawkins greedily devouring a McDonald’s McRib Sandwich all by himself.

Thousands of protesters marched through the streets of Oxford, England chanting “Empirical evidence supported by controlled experimentation is Great” and burning effigies to Ronald MacDonald.

The offensive image “debases Dawkins and all of science” said Atheist cleric Sam Harris in a BBC Radio interview today. “As everyone knows, it is impossible for anybody to appear respectable while eating a McRib sandwich, especially when they’re by themselves. This photo should never have been allowed to be posted on the internet. Burning a village to the ground and calling for the death of every person involved is the only logical response to such an affront to modern rational humanism. ”

Agnostics failed to riot, but stood on the sidelines cheering on the riot and taking credit for it anyways.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

SOTW: FUCK THIS WEEK! TRUDEAU, MARRIED JESUS AND BABIES IN BARS

Sun, 30 Sep 2012 16:38:00 -0700

JUSTIN TRUDEAU announced his plans to run for the federal Liberal leadership. I suppose the idea is to breathe new life into the Liberal Party’s brand with a sexy young leader, but will probably be more akin to just grafting Justin Bieber’s face on to the corpse of a bloated, beached whale and then calling it Free Willy.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU lambasted Canada and the world for not agreeing to invade Iran. Because pre-emptive war against Iraq worked out so well for Britain and the United States.

THE VATICAN questioned the validity of a recently discovered ancient text that implies that Jesus was married. “That would be crazy you can’t just believe any old document.” says a Vatican official who is a 60-year old virgin in a dress.

FAKE TV POVERTY widely advertised on busses full of actual poor people.

HEALTH World Health Officials issued a warning to be ion the look out for a respiratory illness similar to 2003’s SARS outbreak. Typical hipsters, rehashing trends from a decade ago like they discovered it. Get your own plague!

MITT ROMNEY’s recent spate of terrible luck and dwindling fortunes have forced him to reconsider the potency of his magic Mormon underwear.

SCIENCE A robot has been taught, programmed to improvise jazz duets with noted jazz musicians. This says a great deal for advances in A.I. and not much for the abilities of noted jazz musicians.

PROVINCIAL Christie Clark returned to her empty apartment only to find her two pet cats have resigned and moved as far away from her possible.

INVASION OF THE BABY MAKERS

Some European airlines have finally taken the logical step and offering kids’ sections on airplanes. Why did it take so long? As far as I’m concerned, the Wright Brothers’ first flight at Kitty Hawk should have had this feature. Anyone who has ever suffered on a 12 hour long haul flight with a screaming baby one row behind you understands the wisdom of this option. But of course it didn’t take long for the self-righteous breeder crew to decry these airlines as “ageism”.

As well, in Brooklyn, more and more bars are banning children after 4 pm. This perfectly reasonable policy is also being attacked as some sort of anti-baby bigotry, as though keeping 4 year olds out of a licensed liquor distribution is tantamount to bringing back segregation. Next they’ll have toddler only drinking fountains!

This, truly, is grasping at straws. Shut the fuck up, parents and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You’re not that hard done by because we want you to leave your rugrats at home before coming to the bar. It’s a grown-up place, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Bars are for drinking and smoking and swearing and hating the world. Bars are where you go to pretend you’re in a Tom Waits song.

We get it. You’re young, you’re hip, you’re reproducing. Hey, you’re so cool and hip you won’t let a little thing like responsible parenting get between you and your mojito!Why stop the party just because you are legally and ethically responsible for an innocent human life? They parade their DNA-bags around the neighborhood, stopping only completely clog up the coffee shop with their massive baby carriages and destroy any semblance of a relaxing atmosphere. I’ve seen them bring the kids out to rock concerts, because apparently there’s nothing better for a developing set of earlobes than Arcade Fire at top volume.

Next, the breeder crew will be bringing their mewling brats to strip clubs, casinos and porno theatres.

I’ve even seen ads for “Yoga For Kids”. Let me tell you something. being a kid is the best, don’t go ruining it by dragging them down to yoga. Kids have a dead lock on stretching and being in the moment. Yoga is for lame ass grown-ups who forgot how awesome it is to be a kid. My nieces don’t need to sit in a group and be instructed on “the downward-facing dog”, they already pretend to be dogs. And when they’re sick of that, they pretend to be tigers. And then dragons. And dragon-tiger-ponies.

Do these kids look like they have a hard time letting go of the stresses of the day?

Whatever happened to wanting to get the hell away from your goddamned kids for an hour or two? Since when are parents so eager to have their offspring around them at all times? Look, everyone in the bar hates your baby. We understand the airplane. You need to travel. We get it. Your kid starts screaming and we collectively close our eyes, turn up the volume on The Big Bang Theory and start working out the legalities on patenting a Valium-infused baby food. We understand that you need to travel. If you’re on a city bus with an armload of screams and diapers, we get it. But a bar? A bar is a grown-up place. Your baby will be more than welcome to hang out there in exactly 19 years.

And how about the fact that kids hate bars. There is no more boring a place for a child than a bar. It’s full of creepy, sad adults. Kids don’t need to see how life turns out after a seemingly endless series of lousy decisions derails their dreams.

And don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate kids. Kids are like cops: I recognize their importance to society, but I definitely have more fun when they’re not around. I just get very uncomfortable around them, and now they’re creeping into bars. Fine, if it’s okay to bring your kid to my favorite bar then you won;t mind if I just swing by the grade one Christmas play with a bottle of Jack and cheer the little buggers on like I’m at a boxing match. I’m sure you won’t mind. Nothing mixes quite as well as booze and kids!

Mom, Dad: you can’t have it all and you shouldn’t want it all. There’s something noble about making sacrificing your youth in order to fulfill your role as a parent. It’s healthy to have a family life and a public life and keep them separated. You’re not helping your children by including them in every single aspect of your boring, grown-up life. You’re just making your kids boring and grown-up before they have their own kids to bore, while you vainly pretend that something as important as good parenting won’t get in the way of your immature attempts to remain 17 forever.

Grow up. So your kids don’t have to. And give me back my bar.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

POLITICIANS HAVING NON-THREATENING CONVERSATION ABOUT ABORTION RIGHTS BUT DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. REALLY.

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 15:11:00 -0700

(OTTAWA)- A group of white, well-off Christian male politicians are meeting to have a nice, non-threatening discussion about abortion rights for no apparent reason other than to just talk about the issue in a non-binding, totally unremarkable way, claims MP Stephen Woodworth (pictured) referring to a motion to study the Criminal Code’s definition of when human life begins.

Said Woodworth; “Trust us. It’s just a friendly chat about when human life begins and that’s all there is to it. No big deal. Really. It’s nothing. Please don’t pay any attention to this. Just stay home and watch TV and forget all about it because we’re not up to anything.”

If passed, Motion 312 would set up a committee to study how the Criminal Code defines when life begins for absolutely no other reason than to have a reasonable discourse on the subject of a woman’s right to choose. But don’t read too much into that.

What? This? Pay no attention to this. It’s nothing. Really.

“No one’s anti-life and no one’s anti-choice” says another white Christian male MP who, while claiming not to be anti-choice but nevertheless believes that a higher power will judge women accordingly for killing an unborn baby.

“This conversation about abortion is just a conversation about abortion just for the sake of having a conversation about abortion.” says a third well-off Christian white man in politics. “Who doesn’t love a good conversation about abortion? I sure do!”

Says Conservative MP Laurie Hawn; “I’m not going to take away a woman’s right to choose. I’m not even sure why I just said that out loud. Forget I said anything about restricting a women’s access to safe, legal abortions because nothing could be farther from my mind.”

The conversation, which is to take place at 6:30 pm EST will conclude with a vote but don’t read too much into that. It’s just a vote in Parliament, after all. Nothing to see here.

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB

PARLIAMENT RESUMES, PETER MACKAY WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT BURNING MAN

Sat, 15 Sep 2012 08:21:00 -0700

(OTTAWA) - As Parliament returned for its Fall session, Tory MP Peter MacKay wouldn’t shut up about his experiences at Burning Man Festival in Nevada’s Black Rock desert during the summer break.

The Defense Minister turned up 20 minutes late. “Sorry guys, I way overslept. I’m just really tired after getting back from Burning Man.” He said loudly to the House of Commons, even though nobody asked.

Liberal MP Hedy Fry added: “There was hardly an order of business that Peter McKay didn’t somehow shoehorn into dropping a Burning Man reference. Even a proposed bill to increase forest fire awareness, he said something like ‘I support this because we wouldn’t want any Burning Men in forest fires’.

“Look it’s really cool that you went to Burning Man, Peter, but we have grown up business to be attending to here! “ snapped a clearly annoyed Prime Minister Harper.

NDP Leader Tom Mulcair slammed MacKay’s behavior; “Mr MacKay’s conduct is wholly unprofessional and unbecoming of a statesman. I mean, hey, I went to Bonaroo and took acid with The Flaming Lips but you don’t hear me bragging about it.”

Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB