Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

(DURBAN) Following disappointing results of the Kyoto Protocol, renowned environmentalists Dr David Suzuki and Former Vice President Al Gore officially gave up on planet earth and embarked on a tear of polluting activities.

“I’ll be honest,” said Dr Suzuki lighting a cigar with a burning tire he had set fire to himself, “I had my doubts about the survival of the species even if we stuck to Kyoto. But now we’re deader than Freddie Mercury. Fuck it. I’m gonna get my Mother Earth nut before that bitch is all dried up.”

Gore added; “Heard that, DS!” he then farted loudly and jumped into a gold-trimmed SUV and started the engine, letting it idle for a full twenty minutes while blasting Gretchen Wilson’s “Redneck Woman” at full volume.

Gore added “Check this shit out, custom made!” he then applied the wiper fluid jets which shot Beluga caviar all over the windshield.

Suzuki and Gore blazed off across the desert scattering Styrofoam, plastic grocery bags and six-pack rings in their wake. 

Prime Minister Stephen Harper, in the meantime, has committed Canada to a single screening of the film “Fern Gully” on the CBC to help combat climate change.

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