NEWSNOISE
HARPER TO STAND NEXT TO A TREE AND SMILE DURING NORTHERN TOUR
Prime Minister Stephen Harper will stand next to a tree and smile during his summer tour of the Northwest Territories. The announcement comes following exhaustive efforts to find a tree that Harper did not find objectionable. Finally, after being shown hundreds of photos the PM settled on a 40-foot Green Alder.
HARPER ANNOUNCES CREATION OF “MINISTRY OF ATTACK ADS”
(OTTAWA) – Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced today that he has created a new official Government agency called the Ministry of Attack Ads in order to “remind Canadians why they voted for Stephen Harper, and if they didn’t, why they should have.”
HARPER DEVOURS MASSIVE PLATE OF ASBESTOS TO WOO QUEBEC VOTERS AND SILENCE CRITICS
(ASBESTOS, QUE) – In an attempt to woo badly-needed Quebec voters and ease criticism of Canada’s controversial asbestos exportation, Stephen Harper sat down and devoured a large plate of asbestos to prove his devotion to Quebec’s asbestos industry.
“Mmmm, c’est delicieux!” gushed the PM between heaping mouthfuls of the blue, fibrous crystals. “J’aime l’asbestos! Vive le asbestos libre!”
HARPER TO COMMEMORATE WAR OF 1812 BY ROLLING BACK CIVIL RIGHTS 200 YEARS
(OTTAWA)- Stephen Harper’s Tories announced plans to fully commemorate Canada’s War of 1812 bicentennial by rolling back civil rights by 200 years in order to help Canadians fully appreciate the greatness of Canada’s most definitive period.
Said James Moore, Minister of Canadian Heritage; “1812 was a defining chapter in our history. By rolling back laws and civil rights to that same era, all Canadians will be forced to learn even more about this important part of our proud heritage every minute of their lives.”
MACKAY DEFENDS USE OF DRONES; “MINDLESS ROBOTS WITH NO ACCOUNTABILITY IS WHAT THE TORY GOVERNMENT IS ALL ABOUT”
(OTTAWA) –Defense Minister Peter MacKay recently defended the use of unmanned aerial drones saying; “Mindless robots with no accountability is what the Conservative Government is all about.”
He added; “If Canadians wanted thinking and liability, they would never have voted in Stephen Harper.”
SOTW RANT: An Open Letter to Finance Minister Jim Flaherty
Mr Flaherty,
Two days ago in the House of Commons, you said “There are no bad jobs in Canada.”
That’s funny, Jimmy, I distinctly remember working in a call centre selling lottery tickets to old people, and washing dishes in a perogie restaurant, and selling music boxes in the mall in a dumb pink shirt, all within Canada. I suppose these were a great jobs. If only I hadn’t been so spoiled and entitled! I should have appreciated the good life while I had it!
PETER KENT DEFENDS CALLING ALL ENVIRONMENTALISTS “A BUNCH OF RAGING CHILD MOLESTERS”
(OTTAWA) – Minister of the Environment Peter Kent dismissed charges of inciting a smear campaign when he described each and every environmentalist in Canada as being “a bunch of raging child molesters”.
Earlier today, when asked to comment on the increasing numbers of environmental protection groups opposing the proposed Northern Gateway oil pipeline, the Minister replied; “The Canadian economy is just making baby steps towards recovery. And these groups would hijack, abduct and interfere with this innocent baby.”
He then winked broadly at the assembled reporters.
MACKAY LURED INTO F-35 DEAL BY CAL WORTHINGTON WITH BOUNCY CASTLE, FREE HOT DOGS
(OTTAWA) – In what may perhaps be the most damning detail of the F-35 scandal so far, Defense Minister Peter MacKay was lured into the purchase of 65 fighter jets by an enormous inflatable castle shaped like King Kong and free hot dogs at Cal Worthington Motors in Tacoma, Washington.
The deal took place on a day trip that Stephen Harper had planned to Birch Bay Water Slides for himself, Mrs Harper, Peter MacKay and his wife Nazanin.
