Dylan Rhymer's State of the Week

(TORONTO) –  Following a surprise city wide ban on all plastic shopping bags, Toronto’s murderers have joined Mayor Rob Ford in a chorus of disapproval. Members of Canada’s largest city’s crazed killer community are expressing concern about the surprise ban, made Wednesday without study or consultation. 

“It’s just the dumbest decision ever.” Said a good-looking yet oddly forgettable stranger from his dark purple van with tinted windows. “You have no idea how useful these bags are. In every aspect of my day, I am using these. Now I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll just say this, paper bags are just not going to cut the mustard.” He said with a charming smile and a wink.

“Plastic bags are perfect for concealing automatic weapons in a public place moments before I open fire in a crowded Food Court.” Said a young man with a permanently troubled stare. “And after I get home from a shooting spree I can re-use the bags to line my garbage bin. I don’t understand this decision at all. Maybe next time I won’t even bother gunning down that Pizza Pizza.”

“How am I supposed to mail severed body parts to prominent political figures and celebrities whenever my cactus tells me to without wrapping those body parts in plastic?”  adds a quiet loner calling himself ‘Babylon’ “and that cactus is very demanding. It never shuts up. They’re just forcing people to go out and buy Glad bags. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if city hall was in legion with the Glad man. Yeah, That’s not paranoid ‘cause I’m not paranoid you’re all the ones who are paranoid and paranoid is paranoid. Open your eyes! Do you see? Do you see?…. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a date with the Glad Man.”