(VANCOUVER) – With the trials of the Vancouver Hockey rioters underway, BC Premier Christy Clark has promised those convicted guilty of participating in the Vancouver riot on June 15 will be burned alive in public to restore Vancouver’s prosperity.
Said the Premier; “Those rioters brought shame upon Vancouver and the spirits are angry. Our tourist crops are barren and our film industry has run dry. Only human sacrifice will create jobs and kick-start this economy.”
Those found guilty will be stripped naked and paraded across downtown Vancouver to GM Place in front of a howling mob of Vancouverites hurling rotten fruit, hockey pucks and small dead animals at the guilty. Once at GM Place, rioters will be placed in a gigantic Wicker Man effigy of a Vancouver Canuck and set ablaze.
Convicted rioter inside Wicker ‘Nuck, moments before hockey sacrifice
As the Rioters burn to death, Vancouver residents will dance around maypoles, holding hands and singing Brian Adams songs in the hopes that the sacrifice will provide a bounty of badly-needed goals in next year’s Hockey Harvest.
Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson added; “Burning is the only just way to punish anyone who feels they can get away with savage acts of violence just because they are part of a faceless mob.“
He then donned a rabbit costume and joined the parade.